Should You Tell Her You’re 20+ and Still a Virgin?

On February 6, 2015, In Dating Advice by .

dating as a virgin

You are man, you are still a virgin, yet also have an age that you wouldn’t like to associate with that sexual purity. Your friends and acquaintances seem to have their sex life somewhat under control.

You believe —correctly in most cases— that they assume you’re not a virgin. That they don’t even think about it, because that’s weird. So they don’t know. You haven’t said a word, at best you’ve told only to a few close friends.

Yet that fear of telling someone is one of the biggest obstacles to go out and lose your virginity right now, today. Go out, talk to a girl, you like each other and bam! you’re no longer a virgin.

This is not an article on how to lose your virginity for men, but rather, an article to help you solve that “should I tell girls that I’m a virgin?” roadblock right away.

Yes, the issue is mostly in your mind alone…

First of all, I want you to understand that telling girls you’re about to have sex with that you are still a virgin and want to lose your virginity with her, is ultimately a personal choice.

The purpose of this post is to explore the problem, put the facts on the table and unclutter your mind, for you to make the best choice in your particular case.

This is a problem much more common than you think. I wouldn’t be writing a post about it if it weren’t, but rather just answering some guys’ emails once in a while. And I suffered this dilemma in first person.

When I lost my virginity I was older than the average age, and up until that moment that idea alone was one of the hurdles I didn’t know how to overcome. However when the moment came for me, I didn’t even think about it, because I had the correct mindset and whether I told her or not depended completely on the situation.

That’s why I hammer away so much the importance of the right mindset. Without the correct one, choosing wisely is a matter of luck.

In my case, I didn’t tell the girl I lost my virginity to that I was doing so. But if the situation would’ve been different, I may would have. Why?

The Situation

In my case, I knew right before having sex, that I wouldn’t go very far with that girl. I had just met her earlier that night, and the focus was implicitly on just sex. Later on, she wanted to keep seeing me, and it was me who didn’t want to keep seeing her (except for a few times after that first one).

So because of that, I didn’t have any pressure to tell her my life. I was just going to lose my virginity. Sex isn’t rocket science, and there’s no difference between a guy who performs badly and one that’s a virgin.

I was pumping into her, and all I though of was relief, while she was just moaning of pleasure because she let the fridge open, who knows.

But what if she was girlfriend material? The most beautiful girl in the world with an amazing personality and an interesting life? Then I probably would have told her I was a virgin right before having sex.

And what if I had explained my virginity to the girl I lost it to, right when I was sticking it into her? I don’t think she would have kicked me out, lol. She actually liked me more than I liked her, so the virginity would have been almost an anecdote.

Fear

My overall point so far is that it depends on the situation, and that obstacle you feel is fear —just as any other obstacle as you know if you’ve already subscribed to my newsletter:






So what do you fear? I’m not pointing to you and telling you that you’re afraid. Everyone has fears.

That guy fears losing his jobs so he wobbles around super stressed. That super hot girl fears rejection, so she always tries to be perfect and look perfect, and she gets nervous every time her perfection is at risk (I’m sure you’ve seen that).

Years ago, I feared being rejected by girls, so I looked for the perfect lines to say, when the perfect line was actually just not being afraid and saying whatever I felt.

What do you fear that is blocking your hunger of losing your virginity? Most likely, you are afraid that the girl rejects you because of your past failures. It shows weakness, right? It shows that in the past you were this, you were that.

Well, the deeper question isn’t what do you fear. The real question is, is your fear irrational? Most likely, it is.

Once you lose fear, girls are immediately attracted to you because you’re maximizing the possibilities of achieving great things —that’s what attract girls, that’s what makes them want to be with you, not what you have right now. Already having those great things —like money, looks, etc.— right now is just an indicator that you already have the correct mindset.

Ironic, huh?

So how can you tell if your fear is irrational. The dilemma is swiftly solved with this question:

Will this action directly cause a problem?

For instance. If I tell her I’m a virgin: Will my family get killed because of X reason? (yeah I’m exaggerating.) Will she tell my cousin that I’m a virgin and she will tell all my friends because she’s always been a bitch? Will I lose this opportunity to have sex because she isn’t extremely into you and seems flaky?

You get the idea, will revealing your virginity cause a problem with great certainty? If the answer is no, or “maybe not, but what if…” then, the fear is irrational.

It’s really hard to come up with real reasons because in most cases is irrational.

Let’s make a list of irrational fears for you to recognize them and kill them:

  • You’re afraid that the girl knows a friend of a friend and eventually your high-school crush knows about it.
  • You’re afraid that she will kick you out because you’re not man enough for her, and even though it’s 2 a.m. she’ll try to get another guy to bang her.
  • You’re afraid she will lose attraction for you, and even though she likes you and still wants to have sex, she won’t enjoy it as much.
  • You’re afraid that this sample of past weakness will somehow transpire through time and create an obstacle in the future.

It is crap like that what is blocking your success right now!

Now that you have a reference, explore your fears and assess if they’re rational or not.

So with that information and what you’re about to learn, you’ll be able to decide if telling her about your virginity or not.

One Night Stands v. Long Term Relationships

A one night stand can turn into a long term relationship. But in most cases, it doesn’t, because rarely both are having sex with a future together in mind.

As a fact, when a girl goes to the club with her legs open seeking for a one-nigh stand, she isn’t particularly seeking for the best virgin. That’s just logic. She wants a guy that gives it to her good. And that’s it. Whether a virgin can get her content or not is a mystery, so by telling her your contagious virgin disease, you’re lowering your chances of scoring right away. Not because you are less of a man (although in her mind you probably are), but because she isn’t looking for that.

She wants something and you don’t represent that idea in her mind. Unfair as it is, it’s Marketing 101. Period.

At some inner level, we tend to categorize people, objects, etc. There’s your friend with the #funny tag. Then there’s your #popular friend. Then there’s #the-hottest-girl-I’ve-seen, and so on.

In the minds of the people you meet, you represent another tag (or group of tags). Why on Earth would you want to represent the #virgin tag?

So, if a girl likes you whatever the context (club, classroom, workplace, party, group of friends…) that #virginity thing is just not a variable in her mind. She likes you because she wants what you represent, and it’s very rare that “virgin” enters in that equation.

So no, being older and still a virgin is not a contagious disease. It’s just unusual (in the eyes of society, although in reality is not that unusual, you bet) and no girl that likes you really cares.

To Tell or Not To Tell…

Now that you know what is blocking you in this area, let’s dig into the actual quick analysis that you’ll do in your mind when you find this dilemma.

Since this is the first time, I recommend you take a sheet of paper to really ingrain this analysis in your brain function (because the more parts of your body involved, the more you remember things).

Short Term Upside v. Long Term Downside

When analyzing risk (in any area) it’s all about short term gain (or loss) v. long term loss (or gain).

  • Good choices are always the ones with a limited, short-term downside (e.g. losing a little value in her eyes) but unlimited, long-term upside (e.g. being a man of word, being honest to a great gal that you may marry).
  • Bad choices are always the ones with an unlimited, long-term downside (e.g. entering a depression, being killed, breaking up a couple) and limited, short-term upside (e.g. a few hours of sex).

Telling a girl you’re a 20+ virgin seldom has the potential to cause a direct problem. In most cases, the decision to tell her or not will likely depend on an aggregate of pros (including the big mental benefit of losing your virginity) v. several little cons.

For example, let’s say that you went out with a few friends, and you are about to actually, once-and-for-all, lose your virginity with this girl. She’s so hot, so this is a bid deal. Plus the big relief that you’re going to feel. You think to yourself “this is my opportunity”. However, even though she clearly wants to sleep with you because of your great personality, you feel she’s a bit hesitant, and telling her you’re a virgin may screw things up. You don’t know it, but the possibility is there. So you decide you don’t tell her, and while she’s feeling just another sausage in her collection, you’re having the biggest relief of your life.

In another example, you met this stunning, wonderful, smoking hot blonde with the body you like and a brilliant personality. You envision a life with her, or at least you want to try. Then one night, you finally get to have sex with her, and even though you have friends in common, you know that is a private thing and you just tell her. She’s ok with that, and actually treats you like a king in bed.

Now you know what to do. When you’re faced with the dilemma of whether telling the girl you’re a virgin or not, make a realistic list of the benefits you’ll get by doing so, and the possible downsides and their impact.

Wrapping it up

First of all, lose your virginity asap. Why? Because it’s an amazing feeling. Because it’s waaaay better than porn. Because it’s a great relief. Because it opens the door for amazing experiences. With the method that I show you here on The Core of Attraction you have the clear road map to do it fast.

Second, here’s a quiz to check your knowledge so far:

Should You Tell Her You Are Still a Virgin?

Check if you grasped the main points of this article.

What type of person do you want to be? If you’re determined to improve and become a better man, in the future it won’t matter at all the anxiousness you’re experiencing right now. Trust me.

Should I tell her I’m a virgin or not???” I know I’ve written a lot just for this single question.

It’s because I wanted you to remove that obstacle, so you’re making the correct move and get actually closer to the real deal!

Maybe you already did that pros v. cons list in your head… So tell me: is it a good or a bad choice to tell her? Is it good in general but maybe just one consequence screws everything up? Let me know in the comments.

4 thoughts on “Should You Tell Her You’re 20+ and Still a Virgin?

  1. James

    This was really helpful… you definitely achieved your goal of de-cluttering my mind, and broke down very beautifully the real factors of the decision.

    Reply
  2. Peter

    I am a virgin and have fooled around with a friend a couple of times. Me and her have multiple close friends as well. She is very experienced and I have said in the past prior to us hooking up that I have been with a few girls myself to not feel awkward and ashamed.

    Now that me and her have been fooling around a couple times, I am ready to take it to the next step, but am afraid if I tell her that not only will she back off, but then she may tell our mutual friends. What should I do? Me and her definitely like each other and I don’t want to her to freak out, but nor do I want it to be a horrible experience if she doesn’t know.

    My debate is whether I should tell her or not at all?

    Reply
    1. Dani Post author

      I’ve been in that situation and this is what I would do now:

      It will be a horrible experience as long as you expect it to be. If you lie to her but secretly are afraid of her “knowing about it”, it will filter subconsciously through your behavior and there’s a chance she’ll suspect it anyway. If you tell her and are still afraid of her response, you may overreact to the situation too.

      So the key is your attitude towards it; if you first think it through (this comment may be useful too) and work through your fears to realize it’s just a limiting belief you have, she won’t pick it up subconsciously if you lie to her, and it’ll be a natural situation if you decide to tell her.

      So the important thing here is to see it as something irrelevant that doesn’t cause you emotional distress.

      Reply

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