How to finally approach that girl you like? Is it at school, at work or at the gym? Is it only for sex? Is she your crush? How to approach her in order to make a good impression so she becomes attracted to you?
How to make that first (or almost first) move?
Every situation requires a different approach. A different mindset to interact with her. If you want to know how to approach a girl effectively, in this post we’ll see what to do in all those different situations.
This is not just a list of the most common situations. You know I’m all about the core knowledge of things. We’ll understand the mindset behind approaching women so you always know what to do —in any situation. Let’s dive into it.
In my post on How to Talk to Girls we saw the idea of The Why and what not to do. We also saw the differences between Direct and Indirect approach —concepts from the PUA movement but quite useful in this case. I recommend you check out the post because it focused on the overall idea of the interaction. Today I want to give you a more detailed insight into approaching.
How to Approach a Girl
You can either approach Directly or Indirectly. If you remember, that just means, respectively, showing or not showing your interest to the girl.
“Do you come here often?” or “I want to rip your pants off and fuck you hard” (not kidding) 😉 would be a Direct approach because you’re showing interest in her.
But “is this the bus stop?” or “I love those pants on you, where…?” is Indirect because you are not showing interest in her.
➔ Many guys get the “I love your pants” and “I want to rip your pants off” mixed up. Don’t do that, so you can take advantage of those bold displays of Behavior 3.
Also, they don’t clearly see how “do you come here often?” does show interest in her too.
Maybe not in the same way as “I want to rip your pants off and fuck you hard“, but it does. If you ask things about her, right away, it is because you are interested in her. Don’t argue with plain logic. Don’t make that newbie mistake —that I did many times.
An important reminder: the Direct vs. Indirect approach are just concepts to make your life easier. Or better yet, to narrow your focus depending on your preferences and the situation.
In other words, any Direct or Indirect interaction still follows The Core of Attraction principles. They are the core fundamentals of human attraction.
So don’t forget that.
Now, when it is best to choose between these approaches, and how do they work?
1. When to Approach Girls Indirectly
The Indirect approach works best in most situations. Period.
I’m not saying it’s the one approach that you should stick to, however.
Why is it better overall? The moment you show interest (Direct), you lose a great deal of power over the interaction with the girl.
Imagine you have a car that I want. You want $10000. You’re selling it, and I’m buying. We casually talk about the car, and I mention that I was thinking of buying a second car. “Oh, great, are you selling this one? Seems nice. How much is it? I only have $5500” —while flaunting my check book out. We negotiate and I bargain over it. Finally, seeing my mild interest and that I’m ready to buy now, we settle on $8000. It’s a stretch, but I can pull some strings to get the money.
I played it Indirect. I only showed interest once you told me about the deal.
Now imagine I start off by asking: “Do you know someone selling a second-hand car? Actually, I don’t care if it’s fifth-hand. I only have $12000 to spend on it, but I need one to commute!” You agree and sell it to me ‘because we’re friends’ for only $11000.
Now I played it Direct. Actually, a very bad Direct approach, because I showed way too much interest (just to clarify the point.)
What happened here? In the second case I showed too much interest in the deal. You had the negotiating power.
Now, the girl isn’t trying to screw you over. She wants a boyfriend too, the same way you wanted to sell the car. But one of the ways she sees if you are a man of high value is test your intelligence and social skills.
But also, think about it as from outside: what does showing much more interest in her than she does in you (instead of equal or even a bit less) tell her?
It tells her that you don’t usually go out with girls like her. It can also tell her that you don’t even normally hang around girls like her. At a deep level, even though it sucks, it tells her that she can wait to make a decision about you or even just ignore you, because you are somehow less valuable than she is. She owns your destiny.
These are extremes. I use them to clearly show why being too interested in her makes you lose attraction power.
You make her lose that sense of mystery: “does she like me or…?” You are so available that she can easily postpone getting together with you. Which in many cases, she will —and that’s why the overall success-per-approach ratio will be lower with Direct than with an Indirect approach.
Now, Direct it’s not a dead end. It has its place and you can get amazing results too —we’ll see that.
But by default, everything else being equal, you’ll bang more women with an Indirect approach.
How an Indirect Approach works
We saw it earlier: you just talk to her without showing romantic or sexual (or any) interest in her.
- you can ask about something for convenience (e.g. “is this the bus stop that bla bla…?“)
- you can ask about something about her but not because you are interested in her (e.g. “nice shoes! where did you buy those, I want to buy ones for my sister too.“)
- you already know her and you just talk about stuff (e.g. “oh my god, this task is so boring, I’d rather be… where would you rather be now?.” —which is interest but it’s too generic and playful to be unjustified if you know her to a certain degree.)
Regardless of what you say, you withhold your interest in her because of the reasons we saw.
But one of the keys to making her feel attracted to you is making her feel desired. So how do we make the transition from not-interested to somewhat-interested?
Again, let me make a note about what I just said. Note that I said “to somewhat-interested.” Remember that the strength of The Three Behaviors grows as you Level Up your intimacy. Don’t make the overthinksheep mistake of suddenly going from not-interested to “I love you”-interested.
The Personal Question
As Roosh V. states in Day Bang, the key point is when she asks you a personal question. That’s really for cold approaches in day game, but the idea behind it is the same.
You two have been talking for a few minutes. You never showed interest in her. She shows interest in you (e.g. asking you a personal question.) Boom. She’s in.
Now you can show her some interest.
What if she doesn’t? Then don’t.
What if she did right at the beginning? Then do.
It’s really that simple. You just have to get to that point where she agrees to let you in the personal territory, by wanting to explore yours.
She can show interest in you in many ways. The most clear and common in Indirect situations is the personal question. Not some deep question about your core personality. That would be weird at a very low level of intimacy. Just a simple “how old are you?” or “what’s your name?” is a clear sign.
In other words, if the whole point is the question is knowing more about you, and not something practical, it’s a personal question.
You may want to hit yourself a bit for every time a girl you liked asked you a personal question like that out of the blue and you did nothing. 😉
And how do you get to that point, between your initial approach and her asking you a personal question?
You just talk nonstop by using links and threads. Drop nuggets about your positive traits and life experiences (basically, Behavior 1) like what you’re good at, cool places you’ve been to, interesting things you’ve done (based on your likes), etc. I won’t go into detail here because I explained the process in the How to Talk to Girls post.
If you find yourself struggling to keep talking about yourself and relating that to the situation, rehearse it. You don’t have to remember every line. Just rehearse to gain spontaneity. Make a list of topics to talk about with a girl in different situations where you can drop those nuggets. Practice for a bit until you’re natural at it for at least 5 minutes.
If a girl doesn’t show any interest after talking nonstop for 5 minutes… I wouldn’t bother. You can try some last minute effort if you want —for the sake of trying.
These nuggets, when dropped naturally, not bragging, will spark her interest in a clear way, like asking you a personal question. She’s in.
The process goes like this:
- From left to right, you approach indirectly, and following that question or comment, link it to your casual, “suddenly-I-feel-very-talkative-today” speech.
- Depending on how fast she’s impressed (e.g. if you’re very good-looking or you just came from saving a cat and a lion from a tree on fire), you’ll open the door to her interest in you.
- She just leveled up for you, you can acknowledge it and get a bit more personal. Don’t forget to ask for her number, now you can with great success. 🙂
I know this can seem like acted or planned. And at certain points you may want to plan it. But notice also that if you really were successful with girls (which you’ll soon be) this would be your natural indirect behavior. Like I’m not overthinking “OMG how should I impress her? Should I play it more Indirect? Maybe I showed 2.3 points more interest than I should!” That’s stupid. The way I usually approach indirectly is by acting normal and letting them see for themselves that I’m awesome. 🙂 That happens most of the times because I’ve already experienced success and I’m confident and relaxed. If I didn’t get the genuine interest from the girl by being myself, then I would maybe lose interest myself (willingness to let her go), or if I really liked her, maybe I would try to be more present while still Indirect, or totally show my interest Directly.
Indirect Cold Approach
The simple structure we just saw applies to any Indirect approach. It’s the most logic way to interact with the girl.
Now, how do you approach a hot chick you see on the street?
By the way, practicing this will give you enormous confidence and social skills.
Remember that The Core of Attraction structure with its Three Behaviors and The Levels of Intimacy always applies. So ask yourself?
- What current level of intimacy with her? Obviously, the answer is at zero. You don’t know her.
- What’s the next level of intimacy? Approaching indirectly and interacting with her.
- What’s the next next level of intimacy? What we just saw of getting a bit personal.
The point is, if you approach a hot girl on the street, at college, a cafeteria, etc. your goal is to follow this process and get her number.
From there on you can call her and set a date. But that’s out of the scope of this post (subscribe).
If your approach happens in a social situation (like a party) many times that can end in sex the same night. Don’t avoid it! Just follow The Core of Attraction process! Even out The Three Behaviors and level up your intimacy as needed. 🙂
It’s really that easy.
Indirect Girl-You-Know Approach
With the same spirit, how do you go about approaching a girl you already know and like?
The same rules of human interaction apply. So:
- What current level of intimacy with her? You have to define that.
- What’s the next level of intimacy? The socially accepted progression of intimacy. When I say socially accepted I mean “the maximum I can level up to“. Don’t be scared. E.g. going from laughs and friendly touching to a date or a kiss is very simple and locks a new important level. Check out the levels of intimacy again if you doubt.
Don’t rush and start at your current level of intimacy. It can go very fast. E.g. “we barely speak at college”; “we sometimes chat at the coffee machine.” In 5 minutes of properly doing what I just showed you, you can set a date.
If you don’t know your current level of intimacy, describe it to me in my AMA as many other men have done.
How to Screw Up the Indirect Approach
The biggest way to screw up the Indirect Approach is to stay non-personal. Or if you already are at a somewhat personal level, not leveling up fast enough.
Indirect is the sleek and mystique way. But it’s also the way that many guys (myself included) start with because it allows you to interact with women and not having to face your fears.
I really liked Indirect because “it works like magic” they said. “It gets way more results than the Direct Approach” —they said.
All that is true.
The problem is, if you really SUCK right now, and are full of fears, you have to overcome them.
If you don’t overcome your fears, you will ask a practical question (e.g. “where can I buy X?” and keep talking nonstop about yourself.) But once she seems interested, you’ll start fearing you may misinterpreted her. Or you’ll be sure but won’t ask her number.
If you don’t overcome your fears, you’ll start chatting with that hot co-worker. But you won’t level up fast enough and show your sexual interest (Behavior 3) in fear of rejection. Even if you did everything right, you won’t do it.
If you see this is your case, you can work on overcoming your fears. Or you can take the fast lane to success and crush those fears with action…
Which takes us to the next section:
2. When to Approach Girls Directly
In my opinion, the best reason to choose the Direct Approach as a go-to method is when you fall into the category I just described. If you’re the typical guy that tries Indirect to avoid facing his fears of rejection, YOU HAVE TO GO DIRECT.
It will loosen you up. It will make you a man. It will give you drive. A rush of fear that you’ll overcome into a rush of power.
Even if you still suck big time now, after a few days your life will be changed.
Indirect is the most efficient method to get results with women. However realize that if you’re ridden with fear you won’t be able to level up when you have to. In other words, those potential results won’t materialize.
Take John. John has zero experience with women. He understands The Core of Attraction and tries to use it with an Indirect Approach. He approaches 50 women and has everything clear in his head, so he could potentially fuck 20 of them. But he’s too scared to level up when he should. He doubts about the girls’ interest. He doesn’t ask her number. He doesn’t try to kiss them in fear of rejection. In the end, John fucks zero women.
Now take Jack. Jack too, has zero experience with women. He understands The Core of Attraction and tries a Direct Approach. He hits on 50 women and has everything clear in his head, but the Direct approach is less effective so he could potentially fuck 8 of them. He’s scarred as hell too, but as he practices, he becomes less scared. Plus, just by cutting through the BS and going to the point with confidence, he finds other women that like his dick and want it now. As a result, Jack fucks 2 women.
That decision is for you to make. Do you feel confident enough to level up without fear?
Take Advantage of Social Standards
In many social situations, there’s the unspoken acceptance of sexual forwardness (in different degrees.) In other words, in these situations you can Directly hit on women and be OK. In what situations?
As a rule, in social venues where people go to have a good time, it’s accepted to hit on women.
What’s more, people (men AND women) go to some of these events apparently to have a good time, but really they just go to socialize and hit / be hit on.
I’m talking about parties and anything that sounds like it. Mega-raves, clubs, bars, or 5 girls and guys drinking at a house party.
If you choose Direct as your go-to method to level up with girls you like, you should take advantage of these events. If you try to Direct approach your closed circle of 10 female friends (most likely starting with a not-yet-perfect mindset), you’ll quickly run out of opportunities.
Don’t get me wrong. You can get REALLY good at Direct approaching and get results from random hotties on the street.
But especially at first, before you can hit Directly on 5 per night and get one, you want to loosen up and get rid of fear by going overkill.
Go out regularly to social venues and hit on as many girls as possible. Imagine going to a crowded club and hitting on 50 girls per night. I’ve done that.
The numbers suck. But…
But going from zero to one girl per night —plus the personal growth you’ll experience— is worth the “effort”. 🙂
If you’re interested in choosing the right venue for you, I’ve done a much more in-depth analysis of them in the Premium Posts.
How a Direct Approach works
We know The Core of Attraction is always present. So how this translates into real-life Direct Approaching?
You start by focusing on Behavior 3.
Behavior 3 is moving forward in making her feel sexually desired, but in most cases you won’t be 100% sexually explicit on your first line. But you will show interest in her right away.
At very low levels of intimacy, your interest in her is muffled by not knowing each other. As you level up, you feel freer to be more explicit.
Your limits of sexual forwardness at low levels of intimacy will typically be limited by social convention and your gut feeling in each situation. You should NOT be limited by fear of rejection. Remember the examples I used in the intro of this post. If your gut feeling tells you to be very sexually forward right from the start, by all means do so.
For example if you want to go Direct with a girl at work, that you don’t know so much, on top of that she seems a bit shy… Let’s see you run into her at the vending machine. The reading of the situation with The Core of Attraction should tell you to show mild interest like: “hey, I see you every day and seem really cool, but we don’t know each other. I’m Dani, who are you?”
From there, since you started at a slightly personal level, you should stay there, talking good stuff about you casually 🙂 and getting to know each other until she feels comfortable at that level. Then, just level up! and ask her number to call her later for a date.
I see many guys overthink it with girls they like. It’s really as simple as that! As long as you follow The Core of Attraction principles, she’ll probably say yes to your date.
But what if she’s the über-hot bending-to-stick-out-ass teaser at the gym, with the deep sweaty cleavage and she’s been looking at you before? Then you I would play it much more Direct. After a bit of chat, you could easily tell her: “I want to rip your clothes off and lick the sweat off your amazing butt.”
Maybe that is too extreme for most situations. The point is: You should NOT be limited by fear of rejection. Make sure your interest is always CLEAR as day. Direct is about being true to yourself and not hiding your interest.
Direct Cold Approach
We’ll make the same simple analysis we always make: What’s our current level of intimacy? Zero —you don’t know each other.
What is the next level?
By definition you start at a personal level. Your focus is leveling up The Three Behaviors until she is 100% comfortable at that introductory level. Then level up from there.
Now, depending on your goal with that particular interaction, you’ll do differently.
First, secure her phone number at a very personal and fun level.
Then, can the interaction lead to a one-night stand? Then keep leveling up!
Otherwise, set a date. In this case, there are many possibilities depending on how she is, how fast you’re able to go, etc. Going into detail here is not the purpose of this post.
Direct Girl-You-Know Approach
This case is similar to the one above, but there are a few variations based on your existing relationship with the girl you like:
➔ You have never shown CLEAR interest in her: even at a very low intimacy —like classmates that you barely talk to— you are on her radar. Maybe you have liked her for months. However, put yourself in her shoes. Suddenly going from “that creepy guy that stares at me” 🙂 to “OMG he’s my macho man” would be weird. Just start your Direct Approach with “I’ve barely talked to you, but the other day you did [X] and I thought, what a cool girl! So, how do you like…?” The point of this example is to establish a link and a justify with a reason your sudden interest.
➔ You have shown CLEAR interest but screwed up and got rejected: if by whatever reason you still want to try and attract her (I hope it’s not because you got an unconditional crush or I’ll send you 5 hitmen already) you have to review your past interaction to check the Behavior that you missed. Then you’ll need to even out The Three Behaviors before trying to level up again. Depending on how present you are in her life, you’ll have to strongly correct your image in your social group. If you’re not that present, then changing her impression of you will be easy-peasy.
How to Screw Up the Direct Approach
— Hello loser that I can stomp on. Can I use you to hang my jacket while I go have fun?
— Sure my princess. Just hang it on my head and I’ll stand here with it. Hanging.
As the worst way to screw up Indirect is to fall short of leveling up, the biggest way to screw up the Direct Approach is to go way WAY too far in your interest.
That is typically reflected in the guy who unconditionally LOVES the girl. But you can send her a lighter version of that message and still screw up.
Remember the negotiation example we saw at the beginning of the post?
There is a
subtle difference between being interested in her and unconditionally liking her.
A guy who approaches Directly with success starts by communicating his interest: “I like you.” But his liking is NOT unconditional. He is playful. He pushes and pulls. If the girl starts being weird, or disrespectful, or in any way doesn’t live up to his standards, he loses that interest.
Remember the simplest definition of Behavior 1:
A guy who approaches Directly and screws up fails at this point. He starts by communicating his interest: “I like you.” But what he’s really communicating is: “I love you no matter what“, “I’m desperate” or just plain “I have no clue how to attract a girl.”
Those pee-against-the-wind declarations of unconditional love: “I love you with all my heart and I’ll write your name in the sky and buy you flowers every day” won’t work either.
Even at very low levels of intimacy, little gestures like buying unjustified drinks to a girl who doesn’t pay us any attention, sets the mood for the interaction further up.
The girl gets the message that she can use him, be disrespectful and he’ll still be waiting for her with open arms.
The guy is trying to attract her with a broken Behavior 1 by pushing a huge Behavior 2 or Behavior 3. But that won’t work, because it’s all about balance.
The moment you unconditionally give her all the decision power over your relationship with her, she’ll ask you $12000 for the $8000 car —just because you’re proving to her that you can’t negotiate. So you deserve it. And that’s terribly unattractive.
This is complex but the solution is terribly simple: follow the Three Effin Behaviors to-the-letter!!! 😉
Now, those communication inconsistencies need more detail:
A note on Communication Channels
We saw different situations to meet and attract women. We also saw that, depending on those situations, you can go about it differently.
Your communication should be consistent. Check out this post on Communication Channels.
The point is, don’t play it Indirect while letting your body language salivate for her. Don’t play it Direct and be afraid of looking at her if you just told her she’s hot as hell.
In other words: be relaxed. Visualize first if needed. 🙂
Direct vs. Indirect? Which will bring me more bangs?
As a wrap-up for this post —which approach should you choose as a go-to?
The answer is either. I gave you enough reasons to choose one depending on your circumstances. The truth is, you’ll have to overcome some fears to fully use these simple formulas.
So in the end it’s a matter of practicality, but also personal choice. What does your gut feeling tell you?
No matter which approach you choose, you’ll crush it with a bit of discipline to learn it.
Isn’t this the time to take action or what?
I already gave you all the tools you need —plus you have even more detailed info in my Premium Posts.
The point of choosing one approach is rapid progress. If you don’t have a clear plan to consistently hammer away and improve, your progress will be much slower. For years, I didn’t have a clear plan and it was all frustration. That is why I teach exactly what you need to do to attract and get hot women that you really like. So believe me on that one, ok? 😉
You’ll see that once you start getting quick results, you’ll naturally dabble with the other approach.
For example if you crush it with Direct, you’ll feel like a winner. You’ll be happy. You’ll exude confidence. Even if you need to hit on 100 to bang a hot girl, you gain inner power from knowing you can get that every night. So that masculinity will ooze in your daily life. Girls will pick up on that and will start sending you signs of interest without having to “work” for them. Then you can harvest Indirectly.
And the same will happen if you start by focusing on Indirect —you’ll be able to harvest Directly.
Isn’t that amazing? 🙂
So, now that you’re all revved up, what are you going to focus on to delight those mademoiselles?
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