What do you focus on when you talk to girls? When I was a kissless virgin, I tried to find the perfect words so girls could be amazed by me.
That’s not a bad thing to do. Although now I don’t care about particular results I still always try to improve my communication.
The problem was, I was missing out on many communication channels that take place. You and I perceive them when you listen to others. You do it subconsciously. So why do we neglect them when it is us who speak?
Improve Your Communication Skills
When we speak, we use four communication channels:
- Direct verbal language. It is the information contained in the words alone. The objective facts and ideas you’re talking about. To never run out of things to say and master this part of the communication you can check out this post.
- Indirect verbal language. On purpose or not, indirect verbal language isn’t the main point of your words. But it is information that is communicated indirectly. Sometimes you don’t even notice. For example, if you’re talking about how awesome your favorite band is (that’s your main point, your direct verbal language) but you mention your ex-girlfriend five times in that conversation (how much she likes the band. How many times she would listen to those songs. The time you went to that concert.) you are indirectly communicating you still think about her and probably haven’t got over the break up.
- Intonation. Intonation is the way you modulate your voice. Is it strong and deep? Can other people hear you easily, or you’re subconsciously afraid of what others think and talk very quietly? Is your tone high-pitched? How fast is your speech? Do you talk quickly because of fear that others lose interest, or do you take your time and make pauses with confidence to emphasize your main points?
- Body language. That is the way you touch other people and your body posture, gestures and movements while communicating. Do you smile while communicating? (very important) You stand and walk with a straight posture, or downcast? Do you look deep into the eyes of people? Do you frown a lot? Do you move your hands a lot while talking? How do you move them? Etc.
I will dedicate specific posts, for now I want you to have the overall idea so you can take action and change what you’re neglecting.
The Reason You’re Failing at Communicating
In my last post I highlighted the importance to control emotions. Emotions affect very strongly the way you talk to girls.
When you talk from a logical standpoint, you’re engaging the first type of communication (direct verbal language.) You’re conveying thoughts and ideas. Objective facts.
However when it comes to networking, meeting people, socializing, and yes, attracting women, all four communication channels are important. In fact, they’re even more important.
When you joke around or play the seduction game to attract girls, the words themselves are not important. It’s not very important to tell this joke over that other joke. Or to tell her that her eyes make you go crazy instead of her lips. What matters is having fun in the first place, and making her feel sexually desired in the second case.
If you’re having a hard time talking to girls, there’s one main reason for it:
In other words. You can NOT approach and ask where to find a pet store, while you’re shaking inside (body language inconsistent with direct verbal communication).
You can’t argue for 10 minutes why you do have a life, because if you really have a life you just laugh at that or ignore it. (Direct verbal communication inconsistent with the indirect one.)
You can’t say you feel very confident, while avoiding her stare, with a squeaky voice and just after telling her you never had a girlfriend. (Direct verbal communication in conflict with everything else). You just say you’re confident and ignore or laugh at any argument against it.
How to Communicate Effectively
It seems like a lot of work to control all four communication skills, but it really isn’t. Once you start removing your fears and need, everything starts to fall into place.
That’s why I always say the only two obstacles are fear and need. They really are the blockers of your success.
For instance if you talk very quickly it is because you desperately need to get your point across. On the other hand, if you talk too quietly it is because you are afraid of making a bold statement that can somehow end up badly.
Once you remove fear and need it becomes pretty easy. Because effective communication using all 4 channels is already present in your human brain.
From now on, whenever is you’re talking, ask yourself:
Let’s say you are approaching strangers to get comfortable at that level of intimacy before getting more personal with hot girls.
- Direct verbal language. You ask simple things like where you can find X shop.
- Indirect verbal language. The indirect message is that you want to find X shop. So you don’t say “I want to find X shop but not really I’m just talking to you to improve my communication skills” lol. You simply ask.
- Intonation. They don’t know you and probably don’t expect you talking to them. So you use a strong voice they can clearly hear.
- Body language. It’s relaxed and nonchalant. You don’t expect anything other than getting that information, so you expect a positive response from 95% of people. You approach with a friendly attitude, and ask confidently.
When you’re mastering each of the levels of intimacy, simply ask yourself or ask me those questions and you’ll easily figure them out!
As you know I recommend, you can also visualize yourself doing it. Even practice in front of the mirror or better yet, with a friend.
Once you master your communication skills, you’ll even be able to make jokes with it —if you’re that type of guy. I do that all the time. For instance conveying different things on purpose (e.g. “I’m very confident around you” while faking you’re shaky.)
So, how can you improve your communication skills right now?