With this post I want to teach you my specific method and mindset I use when talking to girls. A few years ago I was completely lost, clueless about how to start a conversation. Let alone what to say next after her response.
The conversation would always hit a point where I would go blank. I lived in the awkward-silence realm. I would get very nervous trying to keep it alive and end up talking about stuff that sure wasn’t making her attracted to me, but most likely the opposite.
Now I can talk for hours if I want to, the conversation is sparkling, I can show my best qualities, make the girl engaged in our conversation and have as much control of its outcome as you can get.
Best of all, you’ll see it’s incredibly simple, and you can literally start applying this system right away after you finish reading this post.
Now, with this post I won’t specifically teach you how to be fun or how to make her to like you. That’ll come in other posts, plus in the Email newsletter (subscribe!).
First you have to know how to have an interesting conversation, because being able to keep a dialogue will allow you to show —just by talking— how great you are.
You’ll also gain the ability to talk to anyone you want, improve your social skills, improve your network of friends which is super important in life, and yes, other will find you captivating and they will like to be around you because you always have something interesting to talk about.
You could bet $10 on any negative adjectives on the way I communicated before, and you’ll get back $20.
But I’ll never forget the first reaction from a cute and very sociable girl in my class, after I started to think of conversations this way: although there was no official leader of a workgroup we were in, she assumed I was. That was one of my firsts A-ha moments.
So let’s dive in, and you’ll get those A-ha moments right away.
NOTE: This is the first of two posts on how to master conversation. This one covers the overall structure. The next one is dedicated to the two simple tools to put the structure to use. Enjoy!
First thing you need to know is, the WHY, the final goal that’s constantly in your mind. This motivator and expected result of the conversation will determine the way you approach that conversation with the girl (or anyone, for that matter).
If you are at the beach with a friend and he asks you what’s your favorite type of ice cream, you just tell him because you assume his WHY, his motivation and final goal, is to get an ice cream in the nearest shop.
If he asks you the same question in an Arctic expedition, you’ll laugh because you assume his WHY is to make a joke. If he asks you the same question at a funeral, you’ll punch him in the face because you assume his WHY is weird enough to consider he’s stupid.
So you see how the words themselves are not as important as them being aligned with the final purpose or WHY of those words.
That’s the first thing you have to get straight: the correct WHY.
The Wrong Why
The “wrong” why is to openly tell the girl that you like her, that you’re there in front of her hitting on her, because you love her, she’s the most beautiful woman you’ve ever seen and you want to please have 3 kids (one boy, two girls) and marry her next spring.
Now, of course you can suggest that you have interest in getting to know her. That’s a direct approach and we’ll see that.
What I mean by “I like you” being a wrong why is, you cannot give her complete control over the outcome of your conversation. The moment you show all your cards (I like you a lot) the ball is on her court for her to send it back to you. Whether she keeps the ball, or she returns it with “oh I like you too!” or with “fuck off” or “let’s stay friends” is up to her. She owns you.
There’s no “Hail Mary” approach, balls-to-the-wall “I don’t know you but I like you and I hope you love me back”. That simply doesn’t exist (other than in our minds) because that in itself is an instant attraction killer for girls.
It’s the overthinksheep epitome. You’re giving away all your control showing huge weakness. Period.
So when approaching a girl to talk to her, rule out this “I like you” goal in all its forms. You can’t say it, and most importantly, you can’t convey it with your body language or indirect language either.
For example, if you don’t say anything like “I like you”, but find yourself constantly leaning toward her, looking at her too much, answering immediately to her requests, etc. you are are conveying the same through other communication channels.
She means too much to you, which isn’t bad as a concept. It’s just wrong if she hasn’t earned it yet.
So your goal is not to fake you don’t love her. Even if you secretly love her (more on that later) you have to flip your short term WHY for a good justified one.
Now that you know what you must not do, let’s talk about good, effective purposes when talking to a girl.
Practical WHY with no further purpose
Let’s quickly discuss a good, coherent, yet useless for dating purposes WHY. Which is, expecting nothing from her.
If you just don’t like the girl for whatever reason, or you like her but have a girlfriend and don’t want to do anything about it, or she’s a relative, or anything like that, you tend to talk to them for practical purposes.
A practical purpose is talking to her because she’s a waiter and you want a drink, or you dropped a pencil and ask her to give it to you, or you two are discussing a problem, or anything else non-sexual.
The WHY you talk to her is implicit in the conversation, so you don’t overthink it, just talk, and when the WHY is accomplished, you don’t need to talk any more.
This is obviously a good natural WHY. So remember this attitude, the way you naturally talk to a girl with these practical purposes in mind, almost like if she was a guy, because it will be helpful for the next type of WHY.
The two WHYs we’ve seen so far are a wrong one, and a good one that’s useless for dating purposes. Now let’s focus on the next two that are useful when picking up a girl. These are the Indirect and Direct approaches:
The Indirect WHY
The Indirect approach starts exactly the same way than the Practical Why with No Further Purpose.
You start talking about practical concrete things that you want to know —or fake you want to know, like: “when does the bus come?” even though you may know it. It’s just a natural nonchalant attitude.
This approach is very easy to do for anyone. Even if you easily get nervous and tense or even blush, after a few Indirect approaches you lose the anxiousness and avoid getting nervous forever. Why?
Because it starts with a truly innocent question or comment. You have the same attitude you would have with an ugly man. And you just focus on that. The transition to a more personal conversation happens only if you perceive one indicator: she asks you a personal question first.
So you lose your anxiousness of expecting something to happen. That personal question either comes or it does not.
This personal question doesn’t have to be something like “how’s the emotional relationship you have with your parents?”. Something innocent like “what’s your name again?”, “how old are you” or “what’s your job” is personal enough.
Even seemingly innocent personal questions like age, job, etc. convey enough interest on your part to avoid asking anything like that until a girl does it first. On the other hand, if she does it first, it conveys she has interest in you.
Imagine you’re doing a business interview, the HR person is a really hot blonde, dressed in a crisp corporate dark suit, perfect make up, one hour of hairstyle, and she’s asking you all sorts of business-related questions. Then you stop out of the blue and ask her: “excuse me, how old are you?”
Your question is innocent, yet that situation shows its true power.
The good news is, when she asks you a question like that, you know she’s in. She’s interested in you.
Not yet in love, of course, but she wants to get to know you. If she wouldn’t, she wouldn’t ask you, she would just avoid talking further and go away!
Once she gets to that point, you can start making the conversation more personal. And as long as she doesn’t discover you’re a serial rapist or even the loner you may think you are, she will easily agree to give you her number.
How to Make Her Ask You a Personal Question
If the point of talking is to bring in more personal stuff, can you influence the non-personal part of the conversation to make her ask you that first personal question?
Luckily, Yes. And it’s pretty easy.
It may take some time to reach a point where you’re truly good at this, but it’s not hard to reach a decent level to start with. You can even practice this yourself at home, although it will be best if you practice with someone. (Feel free to contact me if you’re looking for someone, and I’ll hook you up with another wanting the same thing.)
So how it’s done? How do you get her to ask you a personal question?
- First, you casually ask her a non-personal, practical question, and get an answer.
- Second, you start talking non stop until she asks you that personal question.
I only used a sentence to describe what you need to do so you have it clearly in your mind: talk endlessly until she becomes interested in you. So how do you talk non stop?
By using links and threads, you’ll derive your initial interaction to another in which you start to casually tell things about the thing you asked about, about the place where you are, the situation, etc. dropping interesting bits about yourself that spark her interest more and more.
Let me use an example:
- Excuse me? Do you know where to buy staples around here? —You ask her, the same way you would do to an old man.
- Err… try Staples? —She answers in a “it’s obvious” way, pointing down the street.
- Oh, sorry, I didn’t know there was a store nearby. Where is it?
- You have to go down this street, and then turn right and blablabla… There’s also another little store in that corner, but it’s not cheap, I wouldn’t go there.
- Great, thanks. —At this point, the initial, practical Why is over. But now you have an ARSENAL of topics to keep the conversation going, shifting the Why to “I’m just a friendly person and you’ve been gentle enough for me to please you with my smile and a bit of my time”. So you choose among the many topics (staples, Staples, expensive stores, you being new around here, how does she know that store is expensive, etc.) and start talking —Great, thanks. I’m new around here. I moved in yesterday from France and I’m still unpacking my stuff. I like to use a lot of staples of different sizes for my documents you know, and in the box I thought I had my office material I only found two huge speakers. I think the moving company mixed up the box, so I have to call them. But today I want to visit a few gyms to find a good one to join, so in the meantime I need some staples!
- Uh huh… —she says, yet she doesn’t clearly want to go away.
- And that’s another thing… finding a gym! All of them offer you a free session. I just want to make a quick tour and find a good one, with good staff, good clients, not too crowded… I don’t mind paying a bit more for it. Oh, I hate moving. But well, I hope all this process will be over soon and I get all my lost stuff back. By the way now that we’re talking, do you know about a great gym? —Notice how you keep going after her “uh huh” moment, and then you manage to pull out another non-personal question.
- No sorry, I just go jogging once twice a week or so… —notice how she starts telling you things about her life, that’s always a good indicator— So what do you work on to need that many staples? —There it is! The personal question.
I want to highlight two things about this example. First, notice how you dropped interesting hits about your life (moving from France, going to the gym, not caring that much about price for quality, obsession with staples?, your work). Maybe it’s a bit exaggerated, maybe it’s not.
Of course, the more interesting your life actually is, the more you read, the more you travel, the more you do… the more you will get. But don’t obsess with that because you don’t need “excellent” to get “good”. You just need “good”. Improve one day at a time as a lifestyle and that in itself will be excellent!
The second thing I want to highlight, is the “uh huh” moment. That’s when overthinksheep fail. Their fear makes them rationalize that carrying on after a flat reaction is forcing the conversation, or anything like that.
Don’t do that. Forcing the conversation is grabbing her by her arm and making her listen to you, lol. If she wants, it’s not hard for her to go away or show clear signs of disgust.
So anything similar to the “uh huh” moment are the true test for your manhood. It may come after your first sentences, or maybe two minutes into the talking.
If you have trouble flowing through a conversation like that, check out my guide to links and threads of a conversation, plus subscribe for more in-depth advice:
Notice how at first you only need a minor reaction from her to keep going. The ball is on your court for you to keep throwing it at her, and ANY non-negative reaction from her means she’s giving it back to you.
You don’t have to fake or force this. If she clearly wants you to go away after talking for a 5 minutes, do so! But as long as you’re relatively interesting, friendly (smiling preferably) while casual and somewhat distracted, she won’t get defensive.
Girls are very social and friendly and they won’t be rude. More likely they will keep talking for a bit, or give you an extended response without you having to prompt her, actually.
On the other hand, if you try to talk casual, but your body language and the way you look at her screams “OMG you’re ultra hot”, you’ll scare her away. Remember the wrong WHY.
This second step isn’t personal. Even though your ultimate goal is for her to get personal, you are NOT yet. So your non-verbal language has to be coherent.
You cannot keep talking about staples and shit, yet blush because you secretly want to kiss her, lose your cool, narrow your vision, etc. Practice with other people if you have to, it should take you almost no time to refocus your Why and avoid this inconsistency.
So the point of this Indirect Why is to:
- at first, be completely practical about your interaction
- then slightly shift the Why to talk because you like to talk
- then slightly shift the Why to “oh, you asked me something personal, and oh, you’re hot, ok I’ll ask you personal stuff too”.
Clear enough? Easy enough? I think so!
So you can use this approach to try and pick up random unknown girls, or girls you already know but get nervous talking to. One book I recommend if you want to explore this approach is Day Bang by Roosh V.
The Direct WHY
The Direct approach is based on intentionally letting the girl know you’re interested in her before you perceive any sign that she may be into you —that is, most times, right from the start.
At first I thought this was a more “honest” approach, because if you are interested in a girl, what better way to approach her than telling her exactly that, right?
On the other hand, Indirect seems like you’re asking stupid questions you don’t care about just to start talking.
But that’s a very narrowed view of things. For instance, girls tend to respond worse to Direct approaches. It’s like if you give away all the mystery about their intentions they already know they have some control over you and you’re going to try to fit her standards. Kind of like the “wrong why” —not that bad, but not the best way to preserve your control.
Also, an Indirect approach can be equally honest. For instance if you reach a state of total control of your love life and abundance of girls (meaning that you don’t need a particular one) you talk to them casually, impress them through your day-to-day interactions with co-workers, friends, friends of friends, girls at the gym, etc. without putting any effort, and get to know them naturally.
Now you may think that such a state of abundance is hard to achieve, that successful guys think that way because of their past experiences, that you may be years far from it. But it’s exactly the opposite. Abundance is a state of mind that arises from your beliefs, and you can get it right now at this very moment just by choosing so.
Certainty is an emotional state, not an intellectual state that comes from absolute truth. So if you have any doubts, then just google “how to”, and read books and sites like this blog. But other than that, you can choose to believe you have abundance right now.
And if you believe NOW that you can get to know girls and date them easily, you will start acting accordingly.
So let’s discuss some specifics about the Direct approach.
Examples of it are “hey, do you come here a lot?”, “hi, I’m Manuel, what’s your name?” or “hi, I was shopping in that store across the street, and when I left the store I saw you standing here and decided I had to come, because I wanted to confirm if you truly have the most beautiful eyes I’ve ever seen. Hi, I’m Manuel, who are you?”.
Those are very different examples but they all have one thing in common: they directly convey your interest, as opposed to a more Indirect, “where’s the bus?” approach.
Being that Direct is not easy for most guys, especially if you’ve been an introvert overthinksheep up until now. But it can work well, especially if the girl is alone (so you avoid an awkward situation for companions and the girl) and if it’s a night game setting (a party, club, etc.) because women are much more receptive to that kind of behavior from guys.
Otherwise I highly encourage an Indirect approach. Plus the revealing all your cards, “I already like you and you did nothing for it” is always a devaluation in her mind, and a loss of control on your part.
Girls are easily flattered by Direct approaches, they may remember you and get home with a smile on their face… But when it comes to actually answering your call to set a date, it’s harder.
But don’t get stuck in this. If your personality makes you much more prone to approaching Directly, by all means do so, and focus on it (and if you feel more like an Indirect kind of guy, focus on it as well).
Since you like her, your goal is “honest”. It is to get her number, or if it’s late at a party, get her into bed. But for the sake of clarity, since getting her into bed is a more advanced stage (subscribe!) start with the number to get the feeling of it and let me know if you have any questions.
You have to reach a point where it is justified to get her number. And to get there, you have to talk for an undetermined amount of time, depending (again) on her interest in you. The personal question point is a good reference, but since your interest is obvious in Direct mode, you may want to try and get the number based on the tempting way she looks at you, a super excited smile, or any other sign of interest.
But besides having a fluent, sparkling conversation… how do you actually control the Direct approach?
How to Get Her to Accept Your Forward Move
With Indirect, we saw the main point was to get her to ask you a personal question.
With Direct, the main thing you have to focus on, is maintaining the line between “I like you but let’s see if you truly are a good girl for me” and “I like you and no matter what you do, I want your babies”.
You’re directly conveying (probably actually saying, I use “convey” to remember non-verbally is another communication channel) that you want to have coffee with her some time to get to know each other, that you love her hair, that you really like this and that.
But if she starts acting disrespectful, showing she’s stupid, or in any other way, turning into a letdown for you, you have start losing interest immediately.
If you have 90% interest when you approach her at first and you perceive, or she tells you, a little flaw, obviously you can’t lose that 90%… But maybe you lose a 10% of interest, then another 20% because of some other thing, etc. Then she regains a 15% because she tells you a good thing about her, and so on.
This may be a bit complex to fully understand. You need to find a balance between allowing her natural freedom to choose, while being confident and knowing what you want.
If you’re not used at all to show sexual interest, it can take a while to learn how to do this. But it doesn’t have to be too complex. if you’re truly honest and spot a receptive girl, you can approach and Directly ask her something like:
“Hey, my name is Manuel. I saw you from over there and didn’t want to leave without having the opportunity to meet you. Can I have your number? I’ll call you later for coffee”
That’s a perfectly good Direct approach for a lot of situations.
So I hope you have a general overview of the different ways of talking to a girl. What to do, and what not to do. If you still haven’t, remember to read about conversation links and threads in order to make it flow.
Don’t think too much. Choose between Direct and Indirect, the one that fits you best, and start honing that skill!
How do you think you’ve done so far? Have you mixed up Direct, Indirect with a Bad Why? Let me know.