Ask Me Anything about Attracting Girls and Dating!

I would like to personally answer any attraction-dating-mindset related questions you have.

Whether you’re struggling to approach women or don’t know what to do with a girl you like —just ask me in the comments below and I will help you out.

First thing I do everyday is answer peoples questions so make sure yours is one of them.

I recommend that you first check other guys’ questions. Maybe your answer is already in there. If it isn’t there, by all means go ahead and ask.

90 thoughts on “Ask Me Anything about Attracting Girls and Dating!

  1. overthinksheep

    I’ve been reading your articles and I think I may be an overthinksheep. My family keeps warning me I’m overthinking and I can kind of see it too. I feel that the biggest risk I’ve taken is dipping into my savings so I could start learning MMA, but I’m still living with my dad so I’m not sure it’s really that risky. I’m not good at partying, last time I tried I just sat on the corner and could only talk to people who talked to me. Aside from videogames and MMA I’m not good at having fun yet. I know you said that if I’m here I’m probably not an overthnksheep but I’m definitely overthinking and making it hard for me to get jobs, let alone women. I’m going to get some therapy tomorrow but is there anything you would suggest?

    Reply
    1. Dani Post author

      Hey man, don’t worry. Being aware of one’s problems is the first step and you have that. The “overthinksheep” term is something I came up with just to describe guys who think too much and don’t take action because of fear. I was a bit like that for some years so it’s definitely something that can be changed.

      I can’t recommend you specifics since I don’t know your age, your particular situation, your tastes, etc.

      But in general a lack of action is due to high intelligence but lack of experience overcoming little fears (e.g. “what will she think of me?” “what if this happens to me”, etc.)

      So my recommendation is to be structured and first and write down goals for what you want. Once you have a clear goal in mind start working for it. Then you will find little obstacles, and you’ll have to overcome those obstacles.

      That may seem like a detail-oriented approach, and not attacking an overall lack of confidence or something like that. But it is really that way. Confidence is not a magic trait, it’s the compound effect of many beliefs and experiences, as I explain in my last post (check it out).

      Let me use an example. You have a hard time partying. So you set a goal, not of “getting laid every time I go out”, but just “talking to 10 random people, even if it’s just a sentence, every time”.

      I’m with you on the partying issue. I really hate clubs. I hate the music in most cases unless I go to very specific clubs. Until I figured out how to have a great time with women I was miserable at them, talking in closed groups with my friends.

      For instance in this case you just saying, with high-energy “hey, nice dress!” or “wow man, that girl over there is hot!” even if you don’t know them. Then you go away. That way you focus at first on overcoming your first barrier which is talking randomly, plus you make yourself scarce after that.

      You’ll see that some percentage (doesn’t matter if big or small) will actually reply and keep talking to you. Then all you have to do —once you’ve really figured out that roadblock— is to focus on improving your conversation skills.

      Encourage your friends to go out so you have more opportunities to go out too.

      That may seem like a lot of hassle but really, when you set goals, break them down and work step by step, change happens tremendously easy! Maybe in just a few weeks. Imagine if you changed a key are of your life every single month. A year from now you’ll be a totally different person (for the better of course).

      In terms of risk-taking there’s a rule: Is the upside virtually unlimited and the downside limited and controlled? Then it’s good risk. The contrary is very bad risk.

      For instance putting money into learning something useful is almost always a good risk because the upside is unlimited, who knows what that can bring you, but the downside is limited, it’s just some money and time loss that you can stop at any time.

      I think I helped you man, but don’t hesitate to ask anything else.

      I encourage you to take action! Write down your goals and break them down into daily or weekly actions, focus only on that next step and just do it!

      Reply
  2. overthinksheep

    Thanks for the help. I do have some goals I wrote down on my phone a month ago but I didn’t think of splitting them up into steps. I’m proud to say I completed the first steps of some of them.

    Reply
  3. Enrique Cruz

    Hey Dani there is one girl in my school she be burning up with beauty i love her personality i love everything about her and now that the teacher switched seats i am nervous to talk to her i am like way 2 shy but here are my problems the teacher is very strict about the talking rule By the way im in culinary so when we go in the kitchen i get tensed up because she be with her friend she know im shy but when i talk i have nothing to talk about i say like 1 sentence and then im done this goes with everybody not only girls but guys too oh yeah almost forgot i have no other classes with her just culinary i barely see her at lunch like its been the third time yesterday i seen her at lunch all year Dani i have alot of patience so you could reply to me back if i need to be more specific in my question

    Reply
    1. Dani Post author

      Hey Enrique, did you take a look at this post to master conversation? That will give you the simple structure to never run out of things to say.

      If you don’t even know where to start, you could also check this one on how to talk to girls. But I the first one is a must because you need some confidence in knowing that she’ll have fun talking to you.

      That’s my first advice —it should help you a lot! But don’t hesitate to ask all you need man.

      Cheers.

      Reply
  4. Liam

    Hi Dani, there’s a girl i would like to go after but i am currently studying oversea, and she is back in my home country, we barely know each other , have a few coincidence interaction and study in the same highschool. I also think that i might fall into your “overthinking sheep” category, there is too much thing i am afraid to do.
    Thank you for taking time to look at my question ! !

    Reply
    1. Dani Post author

      Hey Liam, love to help you.

      I don’t have many details like if you can talk to her via Facebook or if you have her number, etc. So I’ll give you the framework for you to use it. Check out this tutorial on how to get a girlfriend and do two things:

      1. See where you start from. What is your current level of intimacy with her? Only then you know what you must do next!
      2. Review your interaction with her to correctly apply The Three Behaviors. For instance if you only talk about school but never told her how beautiful you think she is, you must do it. Only a little because your intimacy is not great yet, but you must do it. Check out my posts on how to talk to girls and master conversation if you feel you run out of things to say.

      The afraid/overthinksheep thing only has one remedy, that is taking action. But you have to do it step by step so you don’t become discouraged. Check out my post on how to get rid of your fears. Basically it’s about breaking down your goals into little steps (trust me, it’s way faster than the other approach), learning why those specific fears are stupid, visualizing success and taking action. I gave sound advice to another fellow above.

      I hope this helps you to have a great start. Don’t hesitate to ask for details! 🙂

      Reply
      1. Liam

        Hi Dani, Thanks for the reply, i’ve read through the article you recommended for me, but still, i am not sure if i really know what to talk.
        1)The only i can talk to her is via facebook
        2) Basically we are stranger to each other, so i am confused of what indirect approach should i use. Can you show me some simple one?

        “I am feeling weird to approach to her” is this one of the symptom of “Overthinking sheep”?

        Reply
        1. Dani Post author

          Hey Liam, sorry dude I don’t know why I didn’t get the notification from your comment!

          Don’t get caught in “is it Overshinksheep?” Just see it as a roadblock that you have to remove.

          OK so now you have your level of intimacy clear in mind: “we are stranger to each other.”

          So if you want to go indirect you have to start talking about non-personal stuff. Then once she’s comfortable at that level you can get more personal. What I would do is comment on her pics and the things she shares on FB. But don’t do it in a creepy way. Just casually chime in when you have something valuable to add, or you’re truly interested. The correct way to do it is: “what you think of it + why you think it’s amazing + tell something cool about how you relate to that“. That way she becomes increasingly interested. Remember to speak with emotional relevance. The disadvantage you have is over FB it can go very slowly —so don’t put all your eggs in one basket and start doing the same with “real” girls too! That will also give you more confidence and be less needy.

          Then once she starts engaging in your comments, you can open a chat box and start talking to her in real-time. That way you can have a conversation with all the tools I showed you to follow The Three Behaviors.

          If you want to go direct, the idea is to open a chat box and tell her “hey, I never told you this but I think you’re very X (or I like very much X of you) and would like to know you better“. The problem over the internet is girls are used to be hit on by a gazillion guys. So your value automatically decreases in her eyes. My point is, if you hit on her directly, and then tomorrow some guy hits on her face-to-face, who do you think she’s going to remember?

          In this case I think you’re spot on and it’s better to go indirect. I don’t know the details about her, so if she’s not used to be hit on maybe you shock her and becomes instantly attracted to you. That’s something for you to choose. Don’t stress about it. Just pick the approach that makes the most sense to you and stick to it.

          Just remember to actually level up when you have to! Don’t wait too much or go too fast because of fear or need.

          Let me know how it goes!

          Reply
          1. Liam

            Thanks for your reply, it is useful
            Will try my best to overcome fear and need
            your articles are very interesting and inspiring ! Thank you for that too

  5. Verhart

    Hey, it’s me from nofap. I just wanted to say a HUGE thank you. Well, I did not get a gf yet, but I can already see changes in the way I think about relationships. It’s not that I’m super bad with girls, but after reading your blog I realised what I’ve been doing wrong. You know, now it’s so obvious but I wouldn’t figure it out without you. My problem was I couldn’t get across some barrier with girls, the sexual one. Tbh, I kissed only with two, one after the alcohol so… Now I know that I showed too much protection without thier respect and too little sexual desire(rule 3?), thus my relationships ended up without kissing and something like “you’re like brother”. After 1,5y of break I finally fell like I’m ready to start the best relationship of my life. Keep up the good work man!

    Reply
    1. Dani Post author

      Thanks for the kind words man!

      I’m here to help because I was clueless back then too and know how much it sucks. I’m actually preparing a series of detailed posts for each one of The Three Behaviors.

      Let me know how it goes!

      Reply
  6. Spade

    Brilliant blog, addresses many of my problems, but there’s one in particular that I’m dealing with which you may find a bit odd: motivation.

    Some context: I grew up in one of those families that moves around a lot, so I never developed much of a desire for companionship. I put so much emphasis on my career that my social life completely disappeared. I’m in my third year of college now, and I’ve made no friends whatsoever and lost contact with all my old ones (who weren’t terribly close with me anyway)

    Now, being as I was, I didn’t care too much, but last year I fell into depression pretty hard because of it. I felt a need for people in my life like never before. I’ve only just overcome it recently, and I’m back to square one now.

    Whenever I see a cute girl, I’m not afraid of talking to her (well, perhaps I am a little, but I’m like that with literally everyone, men included). Mostly, I just think “well, I could go over and talk to her but… why go to the trouble?”

    The way I see it, I’m just setting myself up for a vicious cycle where I get depressed because I’m lonely and then when I’m not depressed, I don’t feel lonely enough to try.

    It doesn’t help that my life is kind of busy as it is between classes, job hunting, working out and whatnot. I’m not sure I even can fit a social life into all of it, and the fact that I have to travel between home and school every semester really puts a damper on my chances of having something long-term, which is what I’ve been wanting

    Still, I’m 21. It feels like it’s time to actually have these life experiences that I should have had long ago, even if I am happy with my life right now. It’d certainly help me relate to others if I had a girlfriend. What would you do in my position?

    Reply
    1. Dani Post author

      Hey Spade, thanks for you words, please share the blog with everyone if you feel it can help them too. I relate very much to your situation. I didn’t travel that much, but I moved a few times through high-school and then college, so I disconnected a lot from old friends. From my high-school years I only have a few good friends. I see other people with very old groups of friends and I don’t have that.

      I also relate with things you say such as “I have to travel between home and school every semester really puts a damper on my chances of having something long-term.

      I always thought: “what if I hit on that girl I really like? In two months I have to move back home so then what?” etc. It happened many times. Precisely because I’ve been in your shoes, I know it’s going to be hard for you to take my word and do as I say. But I’ll tell you anyways, because it’s like going back in time and telling myself what I should have done.

      I would say to me:

      “Forget about all that limiting crap. You have to socialize and know what is to live that part of life.”

      And I’ll tell you why, now that I know. So:

      1. If you want a girl just to enjoy that experience and then after college you have to break up. It’s normal. Just be upfront and explain your POV if she asks. Girls are used to really crappy relationships, with guys that treat them, well, like crap. So as long as you are honest she really won’t pressure you and she’ll just enjoy the time together with you.
      2. If the girl is the love of your life (which would be pretty rare since it’ll be the first girlfriend, right?) you two would come up with a plan to keep seeing each other.

      But what if the long-distance relationship doesn’t work? But what if she really isn’t the love of my life and I’m confused? But what if…?

      All of those what-ifs are mental roadblocks because of fear of the unknown. I know them one by one.

      I like that you have solid goals. One of your biggest concerns is probably: “what if the relationship steers me away from my work-related goals?” You see other couples and they’re always hanging out together just for the sake of being together, losing precious time.

      That is solved in two ways:

      • By being very demanding about your time. I mean she has to know that every moment with you is great. You don’t have to force this or be mean about it. Just don’t allow her to be late, etc. I know that can sound like diminishing your relationship chances, but it’s actually the opposite because it’s very alpha. Ask me if you need advice on this.
      • By using the 20/80 rule. This sounds very technical, but what I mean is focus on quality time with her that you two enjoy the most. I luckily know very successful guys with relationships and they also do this. I have a very wealthy friend who for a year he only spent Sunday evenings with his gf. Now I’m very busy with my job, this blog, and working out, so I usually only have a few hours a week to party and meet girls. You get the idea.

      I hope I gave you some direction. I “reacted” to my situation a few years later and all there is (even if I was clueless back then) is regret. Trust me on this one. You can start just socializing and meeting girls just a few hours a week. Make a few good friends just for party. Even if it’s just one. What’s important is he has a positive attitude in life and wants to progress in this area or is already there. I mean if you were from Spain I would love to go out to party with you, so I’m sure there are other guys where you live.

      C’mon! You’ll see if you do all of this, not only you won’t fail. It’ll boost your energy to progress on your life goals much faster!

      Reply
  7. Roger

    Hi dani. I know that patience and challenge are key if you want to keep a girl interested.
    What if a girl keeps on asking you what you want? I told a girl that I “do want to be in a relationship with you” and this seemed to have turned her off. What should I have said??

    Reply
    1. Dani Post author

      Hey Roger, you are right, patience is very important. But what you told her isn’t bad by itself. You can tell her the same thing and she’ll be very pleased. Remember that The Three Behaviors is more about doing the right things as a man so women are naturally attracted to us. Of course, we have to actively do things. But if she’s not buying it, that can be because of one of these two reasons:

      1. Because she didn’t believe you. This happens if your communication channels weren’t aligned. Check out this post.
      2. Because you didn’t show The Three Behaviors properly.

      For example. Let’s say you are at the “having fun conversations” level of intimacy. But you only focused on making her feel sexually desired and showing sexual interest (Behavior 3). So she’s going to start questioning if you’re in only for sex. You’ll have to review your interaction and level all three behaviors, so she sees you as a guy of value (Behavior 1) and willing to protect her (Behavior 2.)

      I don’t have particular details about the level of intimacy you’re at with that girl and if you showed The Three Behaviors in the previous levels. Only you can really know your interaction with her (or tell me). Check out this post on how to “translate” girls to get a better insight of her response.

      Then all you have to do is put a bit more emphasis on the Behavior you’re lacking.

      You can’t just say it words and hope she believes you. “I want a relationship with you” is good as a Behavior 2. But it is less powerful than, for example, listening to a problem she has and then hugging her, or bringing her a cup of the coffee she likes at work, because you’re thinking about her. You get the idea. Is about the things we do.

      By following The Three Behaviors framework you’ll always know when it’s the right time to move forward because you base that on the girl’s needs and reactions. Check out this post on how being needy makes us try to “get there” faster and fear causes us to avoid showing The Three Behaviors.

      I hope you have a better useful understanding that can apply right away. Let me know how it goes.

      Reply
  8. Verhart

    Hello, it’s me again. I need your opinion on the situation, because I have hard time making it out.
    To start with, there is that really nice girl in my class(we know each other for like 2 years). Recently I’ve started using the big 3 and I feel that I got better, we had quite a few good convos and I’m pretty sure I didn’t screw anything. Now we got to the point – very often when I come to speak with her she is positive, smiling etc. but usually after few sentences she moves on to something else in a sneaky way, you know, just cutting the convo, because of her friend, need to go to the toilet and the other shit. It’s not that we have the silience or something, she just flees.
    So before I knew the Three I would chase her, spam on fb, just trying to be around her more, you know what I mean. But recently I’ve gained a lot of self confidence so I just said “Hey, that’s quite disrespectful. Honestly, I won’t make a fool of myself”. Then I just stopped trying so hard, from time to time I would just throw a smile or a funny sentence. But… what is weird for me is that when I stopped she started to initiate some conversations always smiling and stuff, but when I try to make it longer or more personal she just kinda escapes. I dunno what’s going on. Could you suggest something? Should I just keep not giving a fuck or what? Thanks for the anwser.

    Ps. If that helps, although she is the most beautiful girl in the class(or even the whole year honestly) she is not the party one, being more nerdy, reading a lot of books and not really going out much.

    Reply
    1. Dani Post author

      You’re doing really really fine. She becomes more interested the less attention you pay to her, right? That’s because she’s testing Behavior 1.

      You answered, you have to keep not giving a fuck. But don’t forget Behavior 3. When she’s responding well, you have to make a move to the next level!

      The way she sees it is: “he’s interested in me or not interested in me. If he is, why doesn’t he ask me out?” My bet with the little information I have is that you’re doing Behaviors 1 and 2 right, but when she’s giving you the signs that you can move forward, you have to!

      Don’t force it if you don’t want to. But also, don’t let fear keep you from moving forward because other guy will. You only get better at it by trying. Don’t search for excuses, show Behavior 3 when you must, level up your intimacy and ask her out. Don’t hesitate to ask me specifics!

      Reply
      1. Verhart

        Just a quick update: I did ask her out. Somehow in a cocky way, but I’ve read too much TRP at the time. It went like: Hey, are you free saturday evening? Her: Yea… Me: Okay, we’re meeting at x, 18.

        I had a great time(abundance) but I could see she was tense all the time. I tried to open her up somehow, even playfully joking about her being so unfriendly etc. Well, for the whole time I knew where it was going so I just enjoyed myself. At the end she told me that she likes my, but not in that way. I just said ‘That’s fine, but seriously, loosen up a little’. Smirked and went my way.

        Fun fact, in school she still kept eye contact with me and smiled, as she used to. Nevermind now, at least I didn’t waste any more time 🙂

        Ps. Great you started posting again.

        Reply
        1. Dani Post author

          Hey man, great to read from you 🙂 I’m really glad you asked her out. Don’t worry about this particular result.

          Based on what you told me, my bet is it was one of two things: either you overdid Behavior 1 (too cocky when she was probably asking for a bit of Behavior 2 or 3 —more romance or more sexual forwardness) or she is just too weird. That actually happens. Some people just aren’t in the same level of consciousness or sociability that you are —even girls you internally tend to feel above you in some way. So if you really think you’re doing fine but have this gut feeling that she’s closed and doesn’t respond to your “being fun and just fucking awesome”, then it’s her problem. It’s not being a jerk or anything, it’s just acknowledging that it’s extremely hard to make people raise their qualities to our level on the fly (just as it’s hard for people above us to raise us).

          Anyway… back to normal advice. 🙂

          Now with this girl, what I would do (regardless of the reasons for her behavior) is to just live your life and wait for her to make the next move. Since you showed a lot of Behavior 1, she should be attracted to that masculinity. So if she keeps making eye contact, etc. attack again balancing The Three Behaviors a bit more. If on the other hand, she keeps acting weird, etc. or just plain ignore you, then you did well to move on, right? 😉

          You’re doing great! Let me know how it goes.

          Reply
          1. Verhart

            Well, it’s not really possible – we have summer break now. I’m not gonna chase her though, she had her chance and didn’t use it. What I love the most about self development is that I simply now that each day I’m better. So in the long run it was only her loss and not mine.

            What I observed I think is kind of respect. Like she might not be attracted enough or for whatever reason doesn’t want to be something more, but she still respects me now. In a blink of an eye I was over her. I didn’t cry, didn’t ask her for one more chance. I simply smiled, looked her in the eye and said: “That’s okay. Come here.” I hugged her, said bye and didn’t look back walking away. I did it not because of her, but because of me.

            The end.

            By the way, from what you write I got an impression that I’d really like to meet you one day. You give a good vibe, keep it up 🙂

  9. Jack

    Hey Dani, i’m looking on buying your book bundle – i think the deal was something like 27 dollars? Anyways i’m clueless when it comes to buying stuff from the internet, i’ll be using paypal to get the bundle one of these days but i’m not sure about one thing, can i buy your books with the equivalent of Euros in price or it can be bought only in dollars? ‘cuz there’s only Euros in my country

    Reply
    1. Dani Post author

      Hey man, thanks for the interest. You get to choose if you want to pay with paypal or credit card. Don’t worry about the currency, your bank makes the dollar-euro conversion automatically (and the exchange rate is now almost 1:1). Anyway which country are you from? I ask because I have it also in Spanish if that’s the case (I first wrote everything in Spanish, then translated it into English).

      Reply
  10. Jack

    No worries Dani, I’m from Greece but English is gonna be just fine. I’ve checked allready some of your articles, got myself your free guide as well. Needless to say I liked what i read so now I’m gonna get the book bundle (mostly interested on the 30-day course tho’).
    What I can’t understand is, since there’s so much quality advice already here on this site, what else could you be covering up on those books? It almost feels like anything a guy could need to get started on getting girls is already available here, but I guess I’ll have to see it for myself.

    Anyways, I like your style man and I can’t wait until I start using your methods IRL. I’ve checked my fair share of “pua” advice over the last couple years and I get the feeling your method’s probably one of the most practical, no-nonsense way for any clueless guy to get started and sort out his sex life quick.

    Reply
    1. Dani Post author

      Hey Jack, I’m truly grateful for your words, no kidding, because that’s exactly my purpose with this website. It’s true that I charge for some things like the books we’re talking about, but my primary purpose is to help out other guys that are stuck with getting women as I was.

      Yes, you will find the same core information that I share for free on the blog. You’ll also find other relevant information that I didn’t covered yet (just didn’t have the time, especially this last month) like how to best apply The Core of Attraction in Day/normal settings vs. Night/party settings, and going more in-depth in the topics to really internalize The Three Behaviors in your day-to-day. That’s the point of the incremental missions to go from absolute cluelessness to interacting with girls easily and naturally.

      It’s main purpose of course is to create a path through the information that I share for free, but by the nature of the blog is not as well structured as it could. You’ll know in your gut if it’s worth the purchase. 😉

      Reply
  11. Jack

    I went to the bank to get myself a prepaid card so i could then transfer the money through paypal tou you. Long story short I didn’t had the required papers to get myself a lousy prepaid card..
    Noone in my family uses any kind of Visa, Mastercard or whatever, my friend’s mom does but this is a last solution I’d consider since i dont wanna bust other people’s balls for such a small matter. Anyway I wanted to ask you Dani if a Paysafe card would work for you in any way, I doubt it but I wanted to ask still, It’s very convenient for me since I just gotta go buy it from the nearest kiosk and be done with it.

    In any case I’ll make sure to have this matter solved one way or the other by the next 1-2 days but give me a reply if you feel like it

    Reply
    1. Dani Post author

      Hey Jack, sorry that you have to through so much trouble :S I really don’t have Paysafe, so if you can find a way to do it “the regular way” it’d be best. Nonetheless if it’s too much trouble shoot me an Email and we’ll figure it out 😉

      Reply
  12. Philip1990

    Sup bro you know me from nofap!

    I have got better with girls with stuff i thought is totaly asshole the cocky funny stuff and willing to walk away. i disagreed with girls a lot gave them funny nickname like “chickens” and often ignored them after they have done bullshit.
    They even told me they like me and i were anything but nice.

    i have read the 3 behaviours you wrote my questions is :

    a woman initiated a little small talk with me she is a lot older than me tho but i find her very feminine and sexy. Its at my work and i dont know if i can count this as an IOI. I just said goodbye to her before i left work and then she initiated the smalltalk. I know that at this point woman would usually also say goodbye when they have no interest but she did smalltalk first and no one was around. i would really like to bone her if you know what i mean 😀

    I am afraid i can get into serious trouble at work if i fuck that up and become “that guy”. maybe i just overthink that because my last sex was a year ago with my ex-gf. hmm.. what to do?

    Reply
    1. Dani Post author

      Hey Philip, great to see you here 🙂 That’s probably an indication of interest, however I can’t predict the future with just those details. Maybe she tends to give away her interest with every other guy, you know? The strength of one small talk alone isn’t enough to predict how will she respond. What I mean is:
      Is she interested in you? Probably yes.
      What’s her view on dating a much younger guy? I don’t know.
      Is she married and wants an adventure? I don’t know.

      My point is, it seems like an opportunity, so if you want to go for it, just go for it! You won’t become “that guy” because if you understand the 3 behaviors, you have to go step by step and escalate through the levels of intimacy. Get to the next level and keep going depending on her reaction.

      Let me know how it goes.

      Reply
  13. Vicky

    Hi Dan,
    This is Vicky. I am currently undergoing roller coaster in my mind.please help me out .

    One of my office mate from different building is attracted to me a month back.She is pretty ,since she likes me ..me too had some attraction to her.But currently she is trying to avoid seeing me if I cross her in cafeteria or any other place in office.But whenever I am not seeing she will check out me.one more point to add..her friends will give me a sharp focus when I cross that gang.
    My question is 1.how to handle this situation…whether to avoid her..push pull ..or have to be casual… 2.what their friends are thinking 3.Suggestion how to approach her..
    Note :we never had talk all these one month.
    Thanks
    Vicky

    Reply
    1. Dani Post author

      Hey Vicky,

      what a coincidence. You ask me how to approach her and just caught me writing a detailed post on how to approach girls depending on every situation.

      I can advise you on questions 1 and 2, but I really would need more information because I don’t know what your level of intimacy with her is, how you know she likes you, etc. I also don’t know what’s going in your head when her friends focus on you. Do you feel pressured and intimidated or just don’t give a fuck and keep playing it cool?

      I suggest you take a look to the How to Get a Girlfriend tutorial to give you the overall idea. Or the Start Here page for more detailed information.

      But what would be best is to wait to the How to Approach Girls post that I’ll publish this week. Read it and then ask me according to that.

      Subscribe if you want to get notified when the new post comes out.

      Let me know how it goes!

      Reply
  14. Vicky

    My level of intimacy with the girl is “She expresses an attitude does not with everybody else”. Her friends are watching ne..that means some talk were going about me ..do you know what it will be..whether its good or bad.

    Then..she sometimes push and pull with looks..I don’t know whether to talk to her ..or wait for some times..in that case..how much time I need to wait before to talk with her???
    Thanks Dani for your support.

    Regards
    Vicky

    Reply
  15. Alberto

    Hi Dani,

    Im 18 and experiencing really bad erectile dysfunction. Its been a month of no PMO yet no progress down there. I have these questions if you can answer:
    1) is it alright to perform other sexual activities except sex to my girlfriend, like oral, during my reboot?
    2) i noticed when I was making out with her I was less than 50% hard and had semen leakage, is it considered as a relapse?
    3) i stopped looking at hot models on instagram bc I realized that is also artificial, like you mentioned in your article. But when i did do it, for 10-15 min, i felt really sensitive down there. Is that considered as a relapse also?

    A reply would mean alot.
    Thankyou, and great site!

    Reply
    1. Dani Post author

      Hey Alberto,

      don’t worry about only being a month in and seeing no progress, as I explained the younger you are typically you need longer to reboot because your brain is more imprinted by PMO than an adult person. Just stay strong!

      Your questions:

      1. It is more than OK. The goal is to distance yourself from PMO back into the real world. So anything that is natural instead of artificial: go for it. I suggest you try karezza.
      2. I wouldn’t consider that a relapse because relapsing is falling back into PMO. You’ll experience weird phases during your reboot. I felt my penis like shrinking for a month. Just stay strong and keep going.
      3. That is more a relapse, because if you decide “I won’t do this anymore” yet you do it again… that is falling back into the old habits. However if you didn’t get into masturbation mode and just stopped after those 10 minutes, I wouldn’t consider it a relapse either. The important thing here is to be accountable to yourself. Imagine how great it is to decide something and know it is almost 100% guaranteed you’ll follow through. That is the power of self-discipline. The point is, some people will tell you watching anything sexy is a relapse, some people won’t go that far. You set the limits on your recovery. Decide what those are and just be accountable to yourself.

      The important thing is to break from the old PMO pattern.

      Let me know how it goes man, best luck to you.

      Reply
  16. Calvin Phung

    Hi Dani

    I’m new to this, and I’m not sure if this is already answered or covered or not, but what if I approach a girl but she is nonrespondents. Like I say make a comment or ask a question she either nods, looks away while nodding, responds but doesnt ask me back a question or jus flat out ignore me completely. How do I respond or recover from the situation? Or is that just a time for me to politely just walk away?

    Reply
    1. Dani Post author

      Hey Calvin, that depends on the situation (e.g. talking to a girl in a normal day-to-day situation, like work or school, vs. getting that response in a very social environment where you are clearly hitting on her) but your reaction should just be no reaction (and ignore her, depending on how rude she is, obviously).

      Remember Behavior 1: you have a life and are willing to let her go.

      Imagine you are a famous millionaire singer and get that response from a girl, what would he (you) think? Probably something like: “how rude… maybe she has a bad day or maybe she’s stupid…” (and without attaching any emotion to her response, move on, because you know there are thousands of nice girls for you.)

      I clearly remember the girl that first did this to me after I realized how this worked, because I just didn’t give a fuck about her non-response, and a few days later she was smiling at me exaggeratedly —so in this case this was some sort of test in her mind.

      As a rule (in life), we should use our intellect without emotion to solve bad situations, but the bad situations that are virtually meaningless (like a girl with whom we have no intimacy) probably doesn’t even require that. A winner (man or woman) tries to avoid getting too emotional about anything that isn’t what matters to him. Girls test how “fit for success” we are, that is what attracts them. If she tests you and you show negative emotions for BS like that, you fail with her, (and in life).

      That is why the correct thing to do in cases like these is to ignore her, in a range that goes from just that particular situation, to ignoring HER completely, depending on how rude she is. And even laugh at the silliness of it (positive emotion).

      Let me know how it goes. 😉

      Reply
  17. kristof tzegas

    hi there Dani i do that for first time i am 33 years old i suppose i need help from you i have problems i have lose my confident i have a relationship if that is a relationship about 5 months now and i don’t know what to do ,at the begin i have start great but now i don’t know what to do with that girl the only thing i do now when she call me only for things she wants and to give her a ride and don’t get at all love or sex and i want to change that the only thing i have done with that girl is one kiss and that is all i want to learn hot to blow her mind of .I am feeling that i am only a guy for her to give her things and be a taxi driver for her.i hope you could give me advice how can I change that or what to read from your site to help me .plz help me or some advice how i can turn the things out or what to do or say to her that can help me to change things with her i really love that girl.A reply will mean a lot for me from you

    Reply
  18. Aleksa

    Hi, Dani. I have to say that this is easily one of the best blogs on dating I’ve read thus far! Straight to the point, but thorough as well, no beating around the bush. I wanted to ask you about a couple of things regarding social life, because according to your blog, having social skills is capitally important for good chemistry with women:

    I’m 19 and a student at a faculty, namely of sound design. I have a blast with my colleagues at the campus, and I enjoy spending time with them. As much as I would love to hang out with my colleagues some day, we’re having tests and things of that nature, so it’s pretty hectic, and I can respect that because everyone needs time to cater to studies and work, as do I. I study sound design because it’s my passion: I would never study anything else because of my motivations toward that, so I’m not an overthinksheep who’s too afraid to follow his dreams in that regard.

    I’m a virgin. I kissed only once, and I only had one proper date ever (not with the girl I kissed though), and it didn’t get to blossom into anything serious, because while I was doing my entrance exam for faculty, she made up with her ex. I was furious, because I thought it was very stupid of her, and I moved on. I’m quite an intelligent person for what I excel at, but I’m a little clunky when it comes to common sense, and when I do something stupid or fudge something very simple up, I feel, well… sheepish. It just gets the better of me, because it goes back to elementary school, where I was a really boring kid who only talked about what interested himself, so I drew most of my classmates away from me, and they scorned and ridiculed me for my clumsiness and narrow-mindedness. Since then, I fell into a complex of self-deprecation and fear & need, where I found it very difficult to build fluent friendships in high school (not that I don’t have friends, but I didn’t go out much with them because I was busy moping around on the computer and being lazy), let alone hit on a girl. And I also tend to get embarrassed when my friends ask me to do something pretty crazy-sounding, like hit on a particular girl for no good reason, or telling a joke from the top of your head: I feel hesitant because I feel that they want to exploit me, rather than have fun with me: it all comes from my clunky social skills, and I want to change this drastically.

    But I’m not flawless either: I can be pretty intolerant of criticism and very stubborn, if not a little insensitive and unemotional due to my lack of socializing. I’m constantly trying to fix this and I could use some feedback.

    I’ve taken the first steps to cure this by preventing myself from falling deeply into PMO, which plagued me for quite a while. But I decided that I’ll change: partly for the sake of my sanity and health, partly because I want to. Not because I think I’m not cool/pretty/smart enough (I’m 6’2” and fairly handsome), but because I feel that I need to try something new and that I need to get across the limits.

    Also, I would like to know more about talking to a girl on a topic without sounding like you’re imposing your views on the subject to her, which is particularly bad if she views it differently.

    Reply
    1. Dani Post author

      Hey Aleksa, thanks so much for your words.

      You’re doing great, I started putting an end to my crappy situation a few years later than you are (that’s no reason to take it slowly though, you gotta live!)

      I don’t get if your situation comes from being “too logical”. That was a bit my case. I didn’t pay enough attention to emotions, both mine and the girl’s. Not that I didn’t have like psycopath lol, but just the opposite. For instance I would get really angry, really mad or embarrased about stuff that now I consider quite superficial.

      In case it is that, I recommend you to start improving your emotional intelligence. As broad as it sounds, I don’t recommend you read complex psychology books and what not, but just learn a bit about stuff like How to Win Friends and Influence People (a classic book, perhaps a bit too centered on oneself, but good anyway), levels of consciousness and just to handle your emotions better. That being said, you’ll need to make some effort to actually put to practice all you’ll learn into the real world. But don’t worry, the roller-coaster sensation is just once. 😉

      When it comes to talking to people that don’t have your views, the first key is to really have the emotional control part nailed, because emotions drive intellect unless you learn to do otherwise. So assuming you have that under control (really, you have to be emotionally intelligent, otherwise it’s a superficial change) and really want to have a relaxed conversation with someone with opposing views, the key is to be relaxed and just throw “idea darts”, or “hooks” if you want. Then the other person may or may not bite the bait/hook and will start becoming interested in you explaining her more. If not, who cares? Remember Behavior 1. A really good book on how to throw these “baits” is Made to Stick.

      Here’s a summary:
      http://brandgenetics.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/03/mts-made-to-stick-model-1024×791.png

      Hope it helps! Let me know how it goes.

      Reply
      1. Aleksa

        Hey Dani! It’s been a while, but here’s my report.

        I have good news and bad news.

        Good news: I met a girl at college. She is beautiful! We have a really nice rapport so far and she always smiles when she sees me, even though she’s older than I am. The good news is that she broke the silence between us last we talked – it could mean she is not disinterested. I know it from my own experience that if you’re the only one asking stuff, she doesn’t give a damn.

        Bad news: I relapsed… I thought I could completely uproot porn from my brain by not using some site blocker or something and just staying away from it, but no… I had to cave in to unnatural desire and look it up. D’OH! I don’t have PIED yet but I prefer to prevent bad stuff from happening before it gets the best of me, and I am taking strict measures. I was too quick and radical in my first “no to porn”, and it led me to this.

        Looks like I am not doing as great as you first though now. 😛

        Reply
  19. John Tavern

    So porn is bad for you kinda if you’re not getting erections with your gf. What if I just masturbate with absolutely no thought of girls and no porn and just masturbate because it feels good. Is that bad?

    Reply
    1. Dani Post author

      In theory it’s not bad. If you can honestly keep it “just masturbating, no porn”, then do it.

      However in most cases, most guys need to (at least for a while, at the beginning) stop completely.

      Reply
  20. Aleksa

    Hey Dani!

    There is something that I neglected to mention…

    I am somewhat addicted to computer and smartphone use. Not specifically referring to porn, but I rarely ever leave the internet on my regular day. I’ve been fanatically obsessed since I started playing video games when I was 7 or 8. Therefore, I never wanted to go out and play outside with others when I was a kid. How do I root out my internet addiction to turn my luck with people around in the right direction?

    Sorry for bothering you. 😛

    Reply
    1. Dani Post author

      No bothering at all man 😉 General addiction is something I don’t feel that qualified to talk about.

      The overall principle as you probably know by now is to figure out what is your goal life (for now, the next few years, etc. don’t obsess over it) and make it a priority to get there, adopting new habits (one at a time) that substitute the old bad ones for the new ones that will get you to that goal.

      How difficult is for you obviously will depend on many factors, such as how truly motivated to change you feel, how much do you have going against that, how much support you’re seeking, etc. In some cases, an addiction needs external help, sometimes you can figure it out by yourself. A good middle ground is an accountability partner, so you keep each other 100% accountable to your goals.

      Hope it helps.

      Reply
      1. Aleksa

        I’m sure it will! 😉 Do general rules for mastering conversations with girls also apply to texting, or is it a little different? Say, if I don’t have her phone number and do have her as a friend on Facebook, the only option to get to her is to text her. Speaking to them in person is always better, but how can I use Facebook to get to that?

        Reply
        1. Dani Post author

          Of course man, the same rules apply to texting and to every form of communication.

          However when it comes to texting, especially with social sites, messaging apps, etc. you have to be more relaxed and patient than ever.

          Girls (especially hot ones) get A LOT of attention on social media because many other guys find it easy to communicate with them as well, so girls can exert a lot of power just by not responding to you.

          Don’t put all your eggs in one basket 😉

          Reply
      2. Aleksa

        Greetings, Dani!
        Today, I’ve seen myself do something that I once cowered at. I’ve been hit like by lightning from a clear blue sky. Today I finally genuinely understood how to put The Core Of Attraction to use, and even though I had a few speed bumps, it’s an amazing discovery, though I’m not going to get too carried away, because I gotta keep at it.

        My first use was starting talking with a cute stranger at faculty about the script she was reading. I threw in my own darts, talking about my own experiences with that. And then, she asked me the personal question: “What year are you?” Then I got a little more personal, until she told me that she had to keep rehearsing, because she had casting coming up. I introduced myself, kissed her hand in chivalry and minded my own business.

        Then I told a girl I already knew that she looks hot in that dress. She giggled and moved on, while I continued to pack my stuff to leave for home.

        I didn’t have enough time to grab the first girl’s number, nor to release the sexual tension I cooked up with the second girl (she was fast with her friends when I was done packing). In any case, I can only keep progressing with the ‘Never Give Up’ label. Tell me your thoughts! 😀

        Reply
        1. Dani Post author

          My thoughts are I LOVE IT man! 🙂 I would have loved to feel your inner state of realization on how easy it was to make her ask you that personal question.

          I really love when guys tell me how they’re applying the stuff I write about into the real-world. Because that is all that matters!

          I’m so happy that I made a positive impact on your life and you feel more empowered man.

          I’ve been away from the blog because I have been focusing a lot on really powerful stuff to make it easier to improve… my mind is constantly being blow away by what I’m discovering. However I would actually love to know from your experience if I could make it easier for other guys to have that moment of truth.

          Reply
          1. Aleksa

            Greetings, Dani! It’s been a while, but I’m giving you a bit of a rapport on my progress so far.

            I spent time trying to put my mind at ease, to remove any sorts of anxiety or insecurity that existed within me before, and last week, I made it certain that approach fear is gone.

            I asked a friend of mine out those days; we go back to elementary school, and therefore we’ve known each other for a fairly long time. I’ve been thinking about her ever since I heard from her, and I’ve grown to like her from the outside for starters. We went out, and even though it was raining, we talked about all kinds of things, getting to know how life was going for each of us: we went to a bar, had a blast at it. She’s studying in Vienna, and I’m in Belgrade. Taking glances at her every now and then, I noticed that she was looking at me fairly often, and that whenever our eyes met, he smiled or laughed: if I’m not mistaken, this is a sign of interest. Then, I felt an urge that I want to spend any time with her: no matter how short it may be, so I told her that I really wanted to kiss her…

            Unfortunately, she said that she would turn a one-night stand with me down. On the flip side, she said that she wouldn’t hesitate to kiss me, but that if she wanted to have anything with me, it wouldn’t be anything short of a long relationship. She even admitted to liking me back in school, but as good a clueless child I was, I did nothing about it. Sadly, we both knew that it wasn’t possible, because we would spend too long a time apart yearly, because we’re so far away from each other. Nevertheless, we kissed when we parted for home, and it was incredibly liberating. Even though I didn’t get laid, I walked home with a smile on my face. I killed the fear I had

            However, I still have some questions.
            1. Judging from the above, do you think I should play for keeps with this girl, or hang up on it?
            2. How does one persuade someone for a one-nighter anyway?

            Cheers,

            Aleksa. 🙂

          2. Dani Post author

            Hey Aleksa,
            1. It is you who have to make the choice 😉 My advice is to broaden your perspective by knowing more girls. However if you really like her and just want her as your girlfriend, then just assume she’s interested and only insist from a non-needy standpoint once in a while. You’ll lose her the moment she feels pressured.
            2. A one night stand is just escalating through the Levels of Intimacy, only faster. You can’t “convince her”. You have to go out with her and escalate very confidently. The only way to do that IMO is to have experience doing it. 😉

  21. Jo

    What if you live in a reserved Country, where foreigners rarely talk to each other and have big issues about vulnerability (you never see foreigners talk to each other, except their drunk)? It makes the step to change even harder. What do you think?

    Reply
    1. Dani Post author

      Hey Jo, yes obviously it could make it more difficult, but in my opinion that is no excuse not to improve your internal states, because every person has circumstances that drove him/her to a state they want to change (otherwise they wouldn’t be there right?) For some the issue is the country, for some their issue is a totally different circumstance.

      Reply
  22. Jo

    So, I was reading your post about recovering from porn addiction. I’m a girl and I’m bisexual and in relationship with another girl. Also we are in a long distance relationship so we make a lot of cyber love. I’ve noticed that I get more wet with porn than with her, which is very weird considering I cum harder with her and have better orgasms and feel so happy whereas when I masturbate to porn, I feel a sense of guilt and filthy. I’ve started to watch more extreme categories and even though I might go without porn for long periods of time, there are periods when I can’t stop watching.

    So, I thought I should try rebooting too. However, I have some questions. 1) I haven’t fully understand why it’s better for guys not to have sex with their girlfriends when they start rebooting. 2) Do the same rules that apply to guys apply to girls too? Should we not have an orgasm with our girlfriends or boyfriends too? 3)What if the person is bisexual but views porn almost entirely with people of the opposite gender of their partner’s? 4) If the person is in a long distance relationship, should they stop having cyber sex with their partner? What about sexting?

    Btw, I am 19 and I’ve been watching porn since I was 14.

    Reply
    1. Dani Post author

      Hey Jo, you probably get wetter with porn because extreme porn and constantly changing videos stimulate your brain quite a lot. Even though real sex with a partner is better in the end, the initial dopamine hits before orgasm are way higher.

      Now to answer your other questions:
      1) I actually say it is better for guys to HAVE SEX with their girlfriends because it makes it easier for the brain to let go of the porn addiction. I think I wrote about that in my article on PIED but if I didn’t please let me know where! 🙂

      2) Girls’ sexuality is quite differnt than guys’, however in this case I would still recommend having sex with your partner! If you are a curious person I’m sure you’ll love A Billion Wicked Thoughts, a quite interesting book to understand human sexual triggers.

      3) If you are aroused by men and women I see no problem with that. However keep in mind the more aroused you get with men, over a long period of time you could develop a higher arousal for men because studies show women’s sexuality is more malleable. I would have to reference again to that book. But again that depends on your willingness to lose attraction for women. If you keep a high awareness that porn is just for fun, you should be OK with your girl partner.

      4) I don’t see why to stop if you are having a great time 🙂

      Reply
  23. Jo

    Hey, it’s Jo again. What if you masturbate to the thought of your lover, is that bad? If yes, why and how does it affect your reboot negatively?

    Reply
    1. Dani Post author

      I think that doesn’t have a negative effect. Unless you are talking about starting with lots of porn and then climaxing to the though of your partner. That is basically masturbating to porn as well.

      Reply
  24. Jo

    Again me, I’m sorry, I just have a lot of questions. I’ve never watched porn for more than an hour per day or to the point that I don’t do other things like cancellig hanging out with friends in order to masturbate to porn, so please take that into consideration.

    Reply
  25. Jo

    Hello, thank you for answering my questions. 🙂 Yes, that’s what I’ve gotten too by the research I did. However, I’ve also noticed my amount of wetness has been decreasing and basically, now, I don’t get wet until after I orgasm. I’ve also caught myself making my fantasies less romantic and more pornlike 3-4 times but I was already decided to stop that even before reading your article because it’s just not fair to her and not things we’d do in bed. Also, thinking back to my last crush before my girlfriend, I actually had the same problem when I masturbated to the thought of her, only it had gotten worse and I actually started to watch porn and imagine it was her in order to get wet or fantasize about porn scenarios with her. Also, on the 2nd question I asked about masturbating to the thought of your patner, I meant solely to the thought of them but I’ve also done what you said, starting with porn and climazing to the thought of my girlfriend and I also did that a lot to the thought of my last crush. Sorry, I’m totally rambling now.

    1) Oh, I’m sorry, I guess I just misunderstood the “If you have a girlfriend, I personally wouldn’t masturbate and I will also avoid orgasming with her too.” part and the “However, at the beggining of the recovery,it’s beneficial and recoomended to avoid orgasm” and the emphasized “without orgasm-not trying to get close to it” parts as not having sex with them at all, if possible.

    2) Okay, thank you. What exactly do you mean by curious? I’ll make sure to check it out.

    3) I had to read this response 3 times cause I was totally confused. Until I reread my question and realized I actually didn’t make clear what I meant and how it sounded and I’m sorry for the misunderstanding. So, I’m going to take this to a personal level in order to explain. To be honest, lesbian porn is completely fake and if you are a lesbian or bi or pan etc, you can clearly distinguish that, in reality, these are two straight girls having sex. For that reason, I mostly used to watch straight porn. And basically my biggest problem is imagining making love or normal sex with guys. I barely react and I feel the need to turn the fantasy into a porn like in order to function. So, for straight guys, having sex with the real thing helps rewiring the brain but since I only have the female real thing and not the male real thing, does that mean I can only rewire my brain to react to women only and not men?

    4) That’s a big relief, I was just wondering if that counts as artificial stimuli or not.

    Well, also regarding that last post about not watching porn for more than an hour, I wasn’t actually completely honest, because actually I used to do this thing, that I’d watch for 20 mins for example,then stop, then watch for another 20 mins etc. So basically, I thought that this didn’t qualify as watching for more than 1 hour. I’m sorry. Also, thinking of it I can recall times when I’d masturbate to porn for maybe 17 times in 2 days. And also I didn’t watch everyday but lately, I’d watch more and more often. So, maybe I didn’t get to the point of watching for 9 hours daily but I still watched more than normal I’d say. Plus, I took a test and the result was that my behavior is borderline.

    Reply
  26. Jake

    Hey there. So, today, I used my phone in on order to visit a website that has to do with recovering from porn addiction. However, pornhub turned up underneath the site’s name as a choice that could much to my1 letter search which I didn’t notice, until instead of visiting the site I was going to, I visited pornhub (yes, I accidentally tapped the wrong choice). When I realized what was loading, I put my thumb in front of the picture that popped up and I tried really hard not to see it. I did though, for few secs, without wanting to. Does that count as relapsing?

    Reply
    1. Dani Post author

      Yes I would count that as relapsing (unlike the case of your other message about seeing a pic for a few secs.)

      Don’t get too caught up on specifics as to what counts as relapsing.

      The important thing is to stay loyal to your intention of quitting porn and/or recovering from addiction, PIED, etc. As long as it is YOU who decides what’s going on with your body, you’ll do fine. So watching something for a few seconds, as long as it doesn’t trigger you (IMO) would be no problem. But obsessively thinking about masturbating to something “not that sexual” just because it isn’t porn, would be relapsing, because you are not in control of your urges.

      I know this is very broad and at first you may need specifics, but I think it is best to see the big picture.

      Reply
  27. Jo

    So you said that the more aroused a woman get with men, she could develop a higher arousal for men and lose interest over women, if bisexual. If that happens due to excessive porn viewing, can it be overturned with recovery?

    Reply
  28. Mr X

    Hey Dani,

    I’ve been reading all your stuff here and it’s given me hope! My question is, if I’m at work and I see a girl I want to approach just walking down the street, or out jogging/working out, how would I engage in conversation with her? I’m the guy that doesn’t care if he’s at work in a uniform, my fear is getting rejected. You see, after I began reading your articles I went out and put it to the test, however, the first girl I approached went like this : Me: “Hello, I’m Mr. X” and extended my hand for a handshake. Her : “Don’t” puts hand up. Me: “Excuse me?” Her : “Don’t talk to me”. I laughed and walked away, that felt shitty though. Don’t worry about me getting in trouble at work, I won’t.

    Reply
    1. Dani Post author

      Congrats on having the guts to take action man, most people (myself included at first) are just overwhelmed by doubt and fear.

      Don’t get discouraged by one crappy reaction.

      “Getting it” is all about your mindset, and a part of it is (especially at first) seeing this as a numbers game. Not “girls are numbers” but “the more I approach the faster I get where I want to be”. I recommend you read my articles on How to Master Conversation (1 and 2) and How to Approach a Girl to check if you did it right and just keep taking action and trying as you did. The true purpose of “putting it to the test” is not “seeing if it works or not”, because it just works. The true purpose is to hone your ability and decrease your fear. When you get to the point that you truly laught outwardly AND inwardly (e.g. no need, no fear) you’ll really see the light. Meanwhile, you’ll still enjoy success just by trying. Maybe not I get a date out of every 3 approaches, but let’s say after 10 approaches, or 20, or 30… It doesn’t really matter, does it? You can easily approach 30 girls on a day and learn quite a lot from all the different reactions women can have (positive, negative) and your cause on their reactions.

      Let me know how it goes.

      Reply
  29. D

    Hi Dani,

    I am from India, I love one girl, we both are of different religions. we have been together more than an year now, but still she says she doesn’t love me. I love her so much, care for her alot, help her before when she even asks for.

    But I know that I have acted needy, desperate and controlling during alot of times in past. But after researching on internet about this behavior, I fixed it. She says she has dreams of getting married to a boy of her religion and with all their rituals.

    One day I asked if I should go away, but she said I shouldn’t. She says that she doesn’t love me, but she knows how much I care for her and love her. She says, no one ever in her life has loved her so much. She says she doesn’t have courage to stand against her parents and asking me to find job in another country so that we can get married there. Most of the times she seems distant and behaves hot/cold.

    Please suggest, what can I do to open her emotionally to me and feel that deep attraction and love for me.


    Sincerely

    Reply
    1. Dani Post author

      Hey D, could you tell me your respective religions? Are you a true believer or just educated but don’t really pay too much attention to it?

      That may help for me to provide an answer (or maybe not).

      For example, would you be willing to convert to her religion? The answer may seem so obvious to you, but understand that I’m asking because I don’t know your situation.

      Also, by “opening her emotionally” I understand you want to unlock her conflicting beliefs about her religion and being with you, so you can change those beliefs for those more beneficial to you. There are many ways to uncover conflicting belifs, assuming she’s willing to participate in the process at least a bit. Because otherwise you’d understand that is manipulating her in some way right? Not judging here, more like asking. Or is your idea more like getting her SO attracted to you that she doesn’t care about her religion anymore?

      This seems a complicated issue (not saying impossible) so it requires attention to find the best approaches to it.

      You did great by fixing the neediness by the way. Really great.

      Reply
  30. dryj yabut

    So I’ve been in college and there is a girl that I really like. she’s a perfect 10 but she has no boyfriend because she was to finish her studies first. Then one time I sat with her friends during our class and she was seating in front of me and she started to look back just to talk to me. Then we started talking and she even ask me if how many girlfriend did i have in the past. I smiled and say 2 both studying in the same school just like my crush is. She started asking me if what name is my ex girlfriend but i did not answer her and said “secret just see my twitter account.” Then the next day. One of my friend told her if i have a chance with her. Then she said to him”I am not yet ready for a relationship, studies first.” Then one day I message her on facebook we had a great conversation. I talked to her in class and she was laughing at almost all my jokes, Then the next day I saw her staring at me and when I look at her she smiles then she looks away. I can see it in her eyes that she really likes me. One time she was my groupmate in class But i wont talk to her in person because I don’t want her to feel that i like her too much. After 3 days i message her again in facebook and said “how are you” she said “im fine why,you?” then i said “you’re the only one i care of” and she said “you must also care for your studies” then after that I asked for her number she gave it to me and said “i wanted to know yours for our practice in our group class”. I said “Ok I’ll just text you” and she never replied. I texted her the next day and she replied with one word answer and the next message she had no reply at all. I don’t know what I did wrong but she actually becomes more cold. Then the next day she called me but I didn’t answer her call because I don’t want to look needy to her and then she texted me and said “ninth floor we we’ll have group practice.” I never replied to her. The next day it was our performace day, i saw her and she looked at me with a cold face. I think it is because i didn’t answer her call and text with me. I approach her, I said sorry to her and she wasn’t happy about it and i was trying to high five her hand and she didn’t even reciprocate it. I said “I’m sorry i wasn’t able to come in our practice because we went out of town.” I think she felt really bad about it. so I walked away and talk to my friends. Then In our last day of class i asked one of my friends to give her flowers with a message “You are more beautiful than any flower, I’ll miss you.” and she was happy about it but she’s trying to return it to my friend. Then I messaged her and said “Hey did you know I miss you so much. did you receive the flowers?” She responded and said “yeah thank you.” That was our last conversation. My question is do i still have a chance with this girl? I really liked her and I know she like me too. And what should I do when I see her in class? Do i ignore her? and start acting like i don’t like her anymore? What did I do that turned her off? Did she feel like i was pushing too hard and acting needy? Or does she thinks I don’t make a move talking to her in person and asking her out? I really fell hard in this girl and i know she liked me. and i really want to get this girl back to have interest in me again and not be cold. what would you suggest me to do when I see her? So should I ask her out in person? she is now different in the way she talks and act a little bit standoffish because i think i turned her off on not talking to her in person and not answering her text and call for our group practice. but i know i still have a chance. This girl is really serious about her studies and she have strict parents and some of her friends told me that we have both chemistry with each other and that she didn’t yet have any boyfriend even though she is now in college, and she’s really beautiful, because she want to finish her studies first.But i know she still likes me by the way she looks at me. should i just stay friends with her first (because i think she isn’t ready for a relationship yet?)or should i compliment her? or challenge her more? and should i ask her out in person like eating lunch together? or go out of school together for a coffee(she has her own car) instead of texting her? I really want this girl to be interested in me again and not be cold. your reply is so much helpful and appreciated. thanks in advance!

    Reply
    1. Dani Post author

      Hey man, I replied to you by Email. I’ll copy it here for everyone to benefit also, but reply to me by any means you prefer:

      Hey man,

      First, congrats on a perfect 10 being interested in you 🙂 that’s awesome. She’s disinterested because you paid too much attention to her without escalating properly (by showing the 3 behaviors I explain on my blog —for example the flowers thing that she didn’t earn).

      I’m going to tell you what you have to do, but you have to get it right?

      If you have any questions just ask, but do not shy away from doing what I’m about to tell you and then ask me why you are still stuck.

      1. Close your eyes in a relaxed environment, and visualize you are successful with women all the time. It’s an area of your life you have 100% under control. Identify with that reality as if you were already there, feel it in 1st person view, not like from outside, but as if that’s the reality you experience every day. It’s something normal, it’s common for you, imagine the consequences in your day-to-day life and feel them. You only need to do this for a few minutes.
      2. Now, from that reality you are visualizing (you are still very successful with many women) imagine you ask her out and she says yes and you two are incredibly happy together. An experience filled with love and awesome experiences. Make sure to feel it in 1st person view as well
      This whole visualization process may take you just 5 minutes, but do it longer if you want.
      3. Now, remembering this feeling and energy still present (you may do steps 1 and 2 the morning before seeing her in person), just casually approach her as you would do normally and tell her, firmly, honestly and with a non-creepy smile 😀 (remember, you still feel the energy of being successful with women): “Look, HER-NAME, I’d really love for you and I to give it a try and go out. I feel you are amazing because of X and I know you like me too. You know it won’t affect your studies but boost them because you and I share common goals in that area and we can study together. So I’m going to take you out to PLACE-P on DATE-D, alright?”

      If she “doesn’t know” right away, just tell her “don’t worry, you can tell me later today”.

      That’s it. Make those statements yours (practice them or even visualize them too if you want) but don’t sugar coat them or add more stuff. Whatever she says, stay firm on that. And just let go. Even if she doesn’t reply for a week (she will), let it go. Seriously.

      Does this make sense to you?

      When she’s together with you, please email me telling me how it all worked out alright? 😉

      Cheers.

      Reply
  31. Jo

    Excuse me but I noticed that you don’t reply to my questions any more. Is there a specific reason? 🙂

    Reply
    1. Dani Post author

      Hey Jo! sorry I forgot to reply to your last question in favor of the new ones (because I get notified by the new commenters)! I’m going to reply to your last comment.

      Reply
  32. Khaled

    Hello Dani

    I mus say Iam new to this approach the girl I like. I’ve been an introvert all my life but I decided to change in my lifestyle.
    I study dentistry and have this girl in my university that I think is cute and I just want to talk to her. She only knows my name and barely anything else. I think I actually scare girls off just by being extrmely silent and not even caring about people, but she is special.
    Anyway I saw a line of approach you gave as an example of direct approach. And I quote “I’ve barely talked to you, but the other day you did [X] and I thought, what a cool girl! So, how do you like…?”.it just rang a bell in my minf and i decided to give it a shot but will it work on her? That’sthe only thought that’s haunting me.
    Please tell me if there is something wrong wih the way i think or if there is anything ant all

    Thank you

    Reply
    1. Dani Post author

      Of course it will work, almost anything can work, because the line itself, or even choosing Direct v. Indirect, aren’t that important.

      Paradoxically, the only thing keeping it from working is your fear and doubt that it doesn’t.

      Does it make sense?

      In other words, do it casually and relaxed. How?

      Close your eyes for a few minutes and visualize it going well, no nervousness, no anxiety, everything is fine and she likes your approach. Practice it in your mind until you can easily recall that sensation when actually approaching her.

      Let me know how it goes.

      Reply
  33. Dylan

    Hello dani

    Id like to ask you something .

    I used to be realy fat but i lost almost 30%of my body weight last year .now i never had a hard time making friends and being social despite my weight . Only being intimite with girls wich leaves me here being 23 yo and still a virgin not ever having a relationship only frustrations.

    Recently people are saying im looking awesome and im scoring myself dates every month. Even occasionally beautiful girls opening conversation with me . ( fistbump )

    So here comes my problem every one of these girls seem to friendzone me . i can be funny and i do get them invested in the conversation but the problem is I’m not sexual i don’t know how and i feel awkward trying it even with your tips.
    Even if i manage to turn the conversation a bit sexual my inexperience just shines true and i can’t keep the conversation interesting , funny or even going if it gets there.

    How do i get rid of this … fear ?

    Reply
    1. Dani Post author

      Hey Dylan, you can do it step by step (e.g. starting with mild comments like “you are beautiful”, then “you are sexy”, then “your cleavage turns me on”, etc.)

      You could also visualize having sexual conversations and actions and feeling completely comfortable (the first few times you’ll feel uncomfortable even visualizing alone).

      I recommend you do both things.

      You could also get more comfortable with a girl you like a bit more, a girl you feel is intelligent, honest and open and when the moment feels ok, just tell her you are not that experienced. But that is reinforcing your limiting beliefs, so I would focus on the first two things, because it’ll help you dissolve those limiting beliefs.

      Let me know how it goes.

      Reply
  34. LilOut

    Hey, i really enjoyed your articles so far and think they are very helpful. But the reason im desperate for more understanding is my current situation.
    There is a girl at my school who i really like. When we spent some time alone and chatted about some things i was actually convinced that she likes me too. She often went out of her way just to draw my attention. But sometimes she just acts irregular. The least understandable thing is where she passes me and just very roughly tackles me with her arms around my neck. Its not a playful tackling but a very boy-ish and rough behaviour. And i have no clue whether or not im in the friendzone, since she often sends different signals. Any help?

    Reply
    1. Dani Post author

      As you point out, she probably likes you (I had a female friend like that when I was clueless about dating) because otherwise she wouldn’t be interested. I recommend you start seeing girls’ behavior as a reflection of your behavior with them. In other words, if she acts “irregular” it is because she isn’t sure you are the type of guy she likes. Maybe she likes a few things, but then she loses a bit of interest when you are OK with her boyish behavior (not a clear Behavior 1 on your part).

      However, the moment you start showing more clearly Behaviors 1, 2 and 3 with her (start here), she will reflect that back to you, and she’ll be attracted.

      I hope it is clear! Let me know how it goes.

      Reply
  35. Michael

    Hello. Is it possible for porn to cause a porn addict to be aroused by the thought of his girlfriend cheating on him like how it causes him to be aroused by things like animal porn even though it isn’t partcularly his cup of tea?

    Reply
    1. Dani Post author

      Hi Michael, yes it can cause it. I know it’s weird but a girl you like having sex with other guys can trigger sexual arousal (I plan on writing a post on that, anyway you can read A Billion Wicked Thoughts, which I mention in my recommended books). Getting desensitized by too much porn can enhance that particular fetish as your brain tries to get other sources of sexual arousal (since the “normal ones” don’t work very well anymore).

      Reply
  36. Jesper

    Hello Dani, I’m looking for your help.
    I’m talking to a girl on facebook that I’m interested in, but I’m not sure if she’s interested in me yet. Would you mind if I could send you our conversation through email (private) and you could perhaps tell me what you think of the conversation so far, what I should do next, etc.
    I would highly appreciate your help
    Thank you in advance

    Reply
  37. John

    Heyo Dani,
    Is it possible to be to funny? I get rejected by girls sometimes because “you’re to funny I could never take you seriously” what should I do?

    EXTRA QUESTION:
    What are your thoughts on the Tao of Badass?

    Reply
    1. Dani Post author

      Hey John,

      You can be funny. What I’m sure is happening (because it happened to me too) is you come across as too funny…

      Even if you’re having the time of your life and like your own jokes, girls tend to like a more arrogant type of joke, once in a while. They like the “bad boy” who teases a bit. Another option is you could be masking insecurity, lack of confidence, etc. with jokes. Or a mix of both.

      Always remember (it is really key) that if you want to attract girls, you have to balance out The 3 Behaviors. You don’t have to be less funny. Just try to adapt your jokes to the correct usage of The Three Behaviors.

      Let me know if that helps.

      I still have “review Tao of Badass” on my list because I want to find a good Seduction-Dating product to promote as an affiliate and make some extra cash, I just didn’t yet but I’ll let you know when I do.

      P.S. Also, remember. “You’re to funny I could never take you seriously” is just a sentence in a conversation. Playfully, it actually means she likes you but is waiting to see a more calm/relaxed/alpha side of you (Behavior 1). I would be rejection only if she’s clearly serious about it (and I doubt it). And even then, it is only a rejection to what she has seen so far.

      Reply
  38. Jesper

    Hello Dani
    I’ve sent you another email. It’s quite long, but I really need your thoughts and advice on my current situation. I hope to hear from you soon.
    Thank you so much
    Jesper

    Reply

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